Tuesday, August 30, 2011


so i was pondering relationships this morning. one of the local radio shows was talking about what careers women find sexy. lawyer, politician, doctor, pilot and firefighter (not in order). hmmmm. personally, the only career remotely sexy to me is of course firefighter (it must be the pants??!)  regardless it got me thinking about what we find appealing, how we end up in the relationships we do and what we give up to stay in them. i was thinking about all of the people i know well, and the people i only know from the "outside". there is one couple in particular who i watch from afar that appears to "have it all".  He obviously makes bank, she stays home, they travel all over with their two children. from the outside it looks like the ideal life. but what is the ideal life and what goes on behind closed doors? maybe its the skeptic in me but i suspect everyone is giving up something. appearances: when i told my closest friends and family i was leaving my husband of 11 years, people were quite surprised. its not that i didnt bitch about my marriage occasionally. but mostly, i kept up appearances. you smile. you hold hands. you pose for the pictures. you interact at social functions. it was always very important to me to NOT be the wife who bitched about her husband. did i? i dont even remember now. but what i do know, is i was SAD. i was lonely. i was starved for physical attention. my husband was a great provider. he was a great father. he was a good domestic partner. he was my best friend . . .but i was LONELY. i cant put my finger on what exactly it was i wasnt getting, but i wasnt getting it. the road thereafter is moot. .... but when i look around at other relationships, including my current one, i seem to examine very closely what the compromises are. and are they a deal breaker. do you give up mind blowing sex for someone who makes you laugh? do you give up someone who makes you laugh for someone who is great at remembering special occasions? or is there this utopia land where a small percentage of people are in relationships where the sex is great, you get flowers more than once a year, all occasions are acknowledged with a thoughtful gift, little cards are left in your suitcase when you go out of town, underwear is never left on the floor, toothpaste is never in the sink, you laugh, you talk, you dont stress about money, your kids are squared away and life is just easy? nope. not even in the movies.
relationships are all about compromise, giving up this, for a little more of that. and trying to make sure that what you are getting is way more than what you are losing. that, i think, is the key. but i do consistently ponder, what it is, other people have given up and what part of their soul is screaming.

1 comment:

  1. I love your voice , your constant search for authenticity in every word. This piece really moved me and I shared it with Mark. We have always said that the bones of our marriage is negotiation and flexibility. But I know that the dark times of our marriage (and every great marriage had a dark time) occurred when I was deriving my significance from him, or even sometimes only from within my self. My self isn't a very reliable source of propping up -- my self-talk can be negative, focused only what I am not getting, and not in that fair negotiating voice that allows my partner to be a part of the solution. Mostly, in those moments, I am only searching for ways that he will fail me, supporting my overall belief that 'this isn't working.' Thankfully, these moments were short lived, and my partner isn't given to giving up. He fought through with me, and we found the other side quickly. And when I'm focused on the right things, I rarely ever feel like I'm giving anything up. The good is where you find it, at least for me. Thanks for my Philosophical Moment of the Day!! xoxo, friend. Anne Rogers Cleve