wildheart.

maybe its being the end of the year. maybe its being 42. maybe its just me being me. but i cant help but be reflective. i dont think i spend too much time looking back, but you have to look over your shoulder from time to time to check in. steep into the moment, turn around chin up and press forward. its life.

sometimes i feel like my life moves at an unreal pace with unreal moments flying in and out. streaks of comet flashes across the sky of my life. people drop in, fly across, move out. some stay awhile. some dont. some stay a part of my permanent orbit, but their roles might change. i try to recognize the special ones, and keep them from getting too far away. i dont always do a good job.

the important part, for me, is recognizing what the gifts are. i simply cant look at each situation that presents itself, and moves on, as a loss. they are gifts.  it hurts when things dont work out how you plan.

sometimes you enter a situation knowing, oh, this one is going to sting when it ends. maybe that sounds cynical. its not cynical, its life. things begin. things end. i do believe there are people who's path is to find that "one" person and live with them happily for a long(ish) period of time. sometimes, for all their life. i already know thats not mine.

i've tried at times in my life, to try to form what i always thought life should be. husband. wife. kids. house. cat. dog.  simple.  attempt one didnt work.

i tried to try a new "family" life. the blended family.  all i have to say is respect to the blended families. you dont know hard till you throw different kids from different households with different rules and sometimes different values, stir in a couple ex's and POOF. that shit is hard.

so for a year i've been trying to figure out my new path. i made some decisions about that path. i know what i will and wont be doing. 

 i'm so so so thankful that i've been able to stay friends with chris. that we see each others kids. that we can bounce things off each other. i learned my lessons from that relationship. he took a really broken, self loathing human and gave me a toolbox full of gifts. there is rarely a day goes by that i dont use a gift he gave me. that was his purpose. and i know what mine was for him.

i've had other people fly in and out of my life this year. i tend to focus on the emotional and metaphysical gifts i receive.   this year i happened to receive physical gifts as well. from friends and acquaintances and a secret santa.  small tokens, HUGE tokens, of the friendships i treasure.

then probably the best gift of all. a mirror. a mirror with a message. be more. own this. push forward. a mirror who see's exactly who i am. who wont let me lie. who forces the best from me. who pushes me hard. who sees my chameleon soul but wont let me shift. 

a song inspired a movement. a message inspired a blog.  an impulse inspired a song. a song inspired a story. it all inspired h2.0.

"you're a wildheart. you'll never be mine. you'll never be anybody's."

my mirror.

be-u-tee-ful.

h2.0 - In the wind. 

holy shit moments

one of the things i learned a long time ago are is there are holy shit moments. i used to think that once in a while,  you would get one. one that smacked you upside the head. but what i came to realize is, there are those moments. every day. you just have to be able to see them.

around a month or so ago a friend i had not spoken to for awhile had one of those moments. i was peeking through my fingers at him via fb. we werent connected there, hes one of those users that really doesnt like the forum, and has only a handful of friends. but there i was, peeking at him.

we realized a few years ago that our friendship is unique.  we both see the world through a fisheye lens. all the time.  there is a connectedness to everything. and we feel and see that invisible string.  its comforting to think something or feel something that most people look at you sideways for. and have the other person go "oh i KNOW".

so this morning i was thinking about the shape of my life. the long and current view. what step do i take next. because you have choices to make. every day.  

sometimes those choices are out of your hands. and you learn and adapt. but most of the time. the choices are sitting there. i can often see clearly, the path my choices bring.  not that i can necessarily see how it will all play out. but i usually have a pretty good sense of if something has legs or not.

this morning i was thinking about the same thing ive been focusing on all year. what do i want. who do i want to be. and where do i want to end up. pretty big stuff frankly. i mean. i think about the people who cross my path and how often do you deeply mull over your core? it feels as tho a lot of people are on a course for who they are and dont often mull over the big picture. they just keep moving forward.

i often feel like i'm juking every few years.  or months. or days.

and then my super awesome, most amazing friend said this: "so this is what i'm doing in December. because what i'm doing now, matters in July". This was relevant to his life and his goals. but it was one of those HOLY SHIT moments for me. because the choices i make now. damn well impact my next 7 months.

i have goals. i have projects to do, because they are not only necessary, but they are vital to my growth.

i have personal goals. things that i want to accomplish. some silly and small. some feel momentous and huge. but i have them. and im not willing to give them up.

and the choices i make right now. affect those.

my "where do i want to end up" is a big fuzzy picture.  one that consistantly changes scope and picture.

i do know. what i want from my now. it sits in my hands.

i want the opportunity to continue to explore all of those questions unfettered.  to know at the end of the day that im asking nothing of myself but to be me. and that no one is asking me to be anything other than me. because being me, really needs to be enough.

to stand next to me. to match me step by step on that quest. because at the end of the day. that should be enough.  push me to be the best. push me past the point of my comfort. but recognize, this is me.

that is my main goal of 2013.