Skin.

I had a dream last night, about a hug. something so simple, the act of hugging. i was out the other night, and a friend of mine, gave me a hug. not a girl hug, which are nice too, but a good ole guy hug. there is something about being held by a man that feels safe and good. its the best kind of hug when that man is your lover, your partner, your husband. your soulmate.
i miss skin. i miss my skin on his skin. i miss that feeling of snuggling up. of stretching out. of breathing in, feeling your hearts beat. my skin is sad. and alone. its misses the sensation of being up against another. in the safe place, the good place.

veggie food.

for amber. and anyone else who wants veggie recipes.

Veggie Goulash:
2-3 cans of tomatoes with garlic and oregano. (the italian blend)
a box of macaroni noodles
Morningstar farms Sausage crumbles (comes in a bag)
fresh garlic
onion


Saute onion, sausage crumbles and garlic until onions are translucent. Add in cans of tomatoes. throw in some cooked macaroni. Voila. tasty.

Veggie Burritos:
1 pkg. morningstar farms black bean patties
1 can green chilies
some jalapenos
onion
2-3 cloves of garlic
1 can enchilada sauce
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 pkg pepperjack cheese
1 pkg cheddar
tortilla shells

dice up black bean patties and saute with green chilies, jalapenos, onion and garlic.
Fill tortillas with shredded cheese and black bean mixture.

combine enchilada sauce and mushroom soup.

pour over top of wrapped burritos.
Bake covered for 40 minutes.
let stand a few minutes.

elephant.

on my chest. holding me down so i cant breath. move him aside. get up. make coffee. pour cereal. drive kids to school. come home.  get in shower. get out of shower. put on make up. try not to cry. think. get angry. get sad. get dressed. drive to work. cry. get to work. fix make up. attempt productivity. get angry. find 7500 things to be mad about. try not to cry. find distractions. breathe.
get off work. go home. make dinner. feel better. nourish children with good healthy meals. look at clock. sigh. interact. clean. why clean. so much time to clean. read. fall asleep sitting up. wake yourself up so maybe tonight you will sleep.
watch mindless tv. fold laundry. be angry. spurt of energy. accomplish task. recaulk tub. paint ceiling. replace that damn broken door knob. be angry. contemplate fixing the fucking sink. sigh. too much.
parent. put kids to bed.
sit on couch. clink ice in glass. zone out. be angry that you know without looking at the clock EXACTLY what time it is.
try and sleep. cry. be indignant. i deserve better.

sleep. wake up. sleep. wake up. elephant sits back on chest.
wake up.
start over.

try to breathe.

Best dating profile, EVER.

Ok. So I know a few of you out there have done, or do the whole dating online thing. It's a reasonable way in this day to meet people. Well, I was talking with a friend of mine and while he is beyond awesome, he's been single awhile and so I said " let me review your profile". He admitted MAYBE he had quit trying and had just been postimg random shit. But this is so him. So unabashedly, no bullshit, no pretense, him. And he makes me belly laugh. So for all you out there, who say there are no good guys left. Read this. At the very least, he will crack you up. Love this guy.

 === Alright... I've been here for over a year now, and while I've met some fantastic people -- some of which may very well be life-long friends -- I've decided that I've had enough. That magical something for which I yearn was not in the singles bar not at the grocery store, was not in the sofa cushions, and is apparently not here, either.

 Le sigh.

 Where in the world does that amazing click happen, anyway? You know, that moment where you spot someone and you just know. "That's her." And she, at the exact same moment, is saying, "That's him." And in that moment, you realize that you don't have to play the stupid games. You don't have to pretend that you're only half interested, you don't have to wait x number of days before calling, you don't have to apologize for being yourself, or any of that other garbage that goes along with this whole silly ritual we call dating. If anyone can answer that, I'm still checking my messages. Also, next week's winning lottery numbers would be a nice touch.

 Quick update: I am a full-time single father and my career has been known to be a bit demanding and unpredictable on my time. I am VERY focused on my kids, and I push myself to provide for them the opportunities I didn't have when I was growing up. On the other hand, if you're the right woman, I'll make sure you never feel like you're taking the back seat. If any of this is a problem, I don't think we would be right for each other.

Otherwise, read on and enjoy the silliness at your own risk.
 Hmm... Is it okay if I just random blog here? Because "this space for rent" or something. (Nobody else really reads this crap, anyway. I could say that I like to eat baby seals, and even GreenPeace wouldn't give two poops.)
 I bet baby seals taste like chicken. You ever notice that? Anytime you need to compare a new food to something, the person who has already tried it always says it tastes like chicken. "Here, have yerself a piece o' roadkill skunk battered in algae and dipped in snail snot. It tastes just like chicken." I know people from Left Virginia who would eat that. Really. "And y'all ain't a man until you dun tried that with some o' granny's pickled 'possum tongue, neither."

 Yes, I know "'possum" is spelled with an o at the front, but it's hard to make the hilljack accent look right if you spell all the words properly. Don't mess with me, woman, I know what I'm doing here.

 Hey, this is fun. I'll come back a little later and add some more. (...since, you know, I won't be going out on a DATE or anything!)

 Random thought for 03/19:  Why do women take self-pics in the bathroom mirror dressed in some skimpy piece of nightwear? You're just gonna take it off after you're done taking the picture, put on your t-shirt and sweat pants, then go to bed. I mean, I understand there's that whole "sex appeal" thing, but you're taking a picture of yourself in the same place you poop. "Mmmm... Smells like sex... and corn." Don't get me wrong, you look fantastic, but I also know you're dressing up for yourself and fishing for compliments, only to shoot down the poor sap who actually comments on your appearance. Why get ticked at the guy who compliments your appearance? You should be pissed at me for saying that you look like a hooker. (Oh, calm down. I know you're not a hooker. Hookers are out making money. You're just taking vanity shots of your porcelain poop seat and posting them free on the web for me to use in my next Photoshop fun fest. Kudos.)

 Random thought for 03/21: I have absolutely zero interest in tickle fights with politicians.

 Random thought for 04/03: "Broccoli" is a funny word. It looks funnier when you have to spell it. Also, the word "boxes" really annoys me. You have one ox, and I give you my ox, you now have two oxen. (Sorry for the story problem math quiz. Didn't intend for anyone to have to use the ol' grey matter. I promise, no trains departing New York and Chicago here.) Anyway, so if I have one box, and you give me another box, I should have two boxen. I've been promoting this change for a decade or two, to lukewarm reception. Please help me. (P.S. Please take good care of my ox. His name is Tom. He likes chocolate chip cookies.) 

Random thought for 04/19: "Read Deleted." Seriously? Granted, sometimes men send out some really lame messages, but some of us actually take a few minutes to formulate something relevant to your profile. (Yes, my darlings, that means we read all your grammatically abhorrent, misspelled ramblings. It's practice for when we have to listen to you prattle on about your drama-filled work day, or how we never take out the trash.) Is it really such a chore to send a message back? "You look like a dog's a***. Piss off." We would much rather have that than nothing at all. Honest.

 Random thought for 05/22: Dear Ontario, Yes, you have some very intelligent, funny, attractive women. However, you are a little bit beyond 75 miles from me. Please stop this incessant conquest of my search results. I mean, come on... You're CANADA for crying out loud! You don't conquer anyone! Just sit back, relax, have a Molson, and take off, eh?

 Random thought for 06/26: You know what I love? How people can say 480 pounds at 4'2" means "a few extra pounds." Don't you mean a few extra people? Holy moly. Don't mistake my call for honesty as being shallow -- after all, I'm not even remotely what you'd call thin -- but for crying out loud... Just be honest! I'll take honesty over a lying twig who desperately needs to eat a sandwich. Any day.

 Random thought for 07/22: "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls." Just passing it along.

 Random thought for 08/07: When was it exactly that togas went out of style? It seems to me that such attire would be perfect for everyone. Wrap it a little tight if you have the curves to show off, leave a well-positioned pleat or two if those curves are a little too dangerous... And perfect for any weather! Well, except perhaps rain. Then again, a compulsory wet toga contest sounds like a really good idea. Plus, we have all sort of new material we could be making togas out of these days. Rayon... Polyester blend... Saran Wrap...

 Random thought for 11/26: I don't understand why the Lions and the Cowboys always play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't it be the Patriots playing against the Redskins? Then they can steal their stadium afterward.

 Random thought for 03/30: Why does this site block out anything even accidentally resembling a curse word, yet offer an uncensored "s*** happens" emoticon in messaging? It just makes me want to find creative ways to swear. ===

back to the start.

so. for several years ive had a few issues going on. A) i've been increasingly gaining weight, and b)I've had an ongoing back issue. I've intermittently worked out. I'm not good at staying disciplined and i wasn't financially able to go anywhere where they would demand I stay disciplined. I knew if i could afford to work with a trainer, I might be able to really help my back. BUT. That wasnt possible.

So, recently my sister decided to fairy godmother me in the interest of physical and mental health and bought me 6 weeks with her trainer.

Today was day one. It was hard. but it felt good. Jason really took a lot of time asking me how everything was feeling and stretching me out at the end of the session.  Stretching me out he was able to see what muscles pulled and how badly. i have some serious flexibility issues. lots of tight muscles. I'm sure all of that has been contributing to the injury i sustained on my back and probably hasnt helped my knee issues either.

my muscles are very fatigued and my back is a little sore. I'll stretch really well tonight. as is my way i'm really wanting to get in some more cardio (more more faster results!) but I'll wait until tomorrow to let my muscles rest. i'll stretch and ice and heat and see how i'm feeling tomorrow. I'll do my best to blog the experience.

my goals: I'd really like to be down 20 lbs. but Jason says I really need to not focus on the numbers.
I'd like to have abs. real abs again and lose this dough i've gained from too much good beer.
i want my body to feel strong, not rickety.
I want to improve my mental and physical health. no really. i do.

i want to be hot again.

so there you go. Day one.
wish me luck!

http://www.catalyst-fitness.com/

writers block

i keep thinking i should be writing. but i cant seem to write.  but i can talk about soup. i could eat nothing but soup and be perfectly fine with that. I dont know why that is, i know a lot of people who dont like soup. i just. love soup.

so the other night I got home and i had no kids and no plans and was feeling pretty anxiety ridden, so the only thing to do at that point is cook. and since right now i'm existing on soup, cereal and svedka, soup it was! But i wasnt in the mood for my usual veggie soup. I wanted POTATO soup. Nice hearty soup. Nice fill up my belly soup. I've never made it. But figured i'd throw some things together and see what happened. and good things happened.

here is the recipe:

olive oil
butter
one large sweet potato
one medium white potato
one onion
2 large cloves garlic
1 1/2 c. veggie broth
1 1/2 c. 2% milk
generous squeeze of yellow mustard
quick shake of red pepper flakes
liberal shake of parsley flakes
dash of cumin
dash of coriander
pepper
vermouth.

I have a nice old school stock pot i found at salvation army for 2$ that i love. (just thought i'd brag).

i sliced the potatoes pretty thin on my kick ass Pampered Chef slicer (it has multiple blades, i love it).
since the slicer was already out i just sliced the onion as well, nice and fine.
I put a small dash of olive oil and about a tb of butter (only butter. real butter) in the pan and threw in the onion and potatoes and sautéed that until the onions were translucent.  used my garlic press for two nice large fat cloves and let that saute for a few more minutes. dont. burn garlic. its terrible if over cooked.

then i added the veggie broth. then the milk. then i added dried mustard. which was from the early 90's and had bugs in it so i had to start ALL OVER. That sucked.

so. i added regular ole mustard out of my fridge and any spices (that were bug free) and made sense. I just dashed most of them. I had some dry vermouth left from another recipe awhile back. i started with 2 tb but added a few extra splashes as it cooked. as the potatoes got nice and soft i crunched them up with my spoon into bits instead of the slices you see here.

now. and this is important. when making cream soups you need to keep it at a nice even temp and not let it get too hot or it seperates. still tastes good, but looks rather disgusting.  since i'm a damn goldfish i went up stairs for something. ended up putting all of my laundry away, came down 20 minutes later and remembered "oh yeah, i'm making SOUP!". my soup got too hot. it seperated. it still tasted good.

i ate most of it that night. and the rest for breakfast in the morning. in the future, i'll triple that recipe. i like soup to LAST.

1000 times a day.

The thing about this. Is there is no answer. No one thing you can say "yes! That's it! Fix it!". Because life is just not that easy. In 5 days the range of emotions has been so vast. From literally howling with grief on my living room floor, to waking up saying "god damn, I can do this.". Done it before. Can do it again.

I sat in a client meeting today. At a place where they sell good beer. And the fucking taps got me. Squished up my formerly cold black heart. It hurt.

I miss him. But I don't know, sometimes I'm not sure what we were thinking. Trying this.

I only know, I loved him. I love him. And I had hoped for the Disney ending.

I forgot my own line.

Life isn't a fucking fairytale, and walt was a lying bastard.

All i know. Is i have a life. And I'm gonna do my best to live it.