Saturday, March 24, 2012


**this is from my accident in Jan . . . .***

you know i'm rattled when i dont take a picture and post to facebook.

so, i got in this wreck today. and it sucked. i learned some things tho, about myself. a). im not sure i wreck well and i really thought i would. i saw that the suv was not stopping, i double checked my light, and i hit the brakes and for all intents and purposes, i closed my eyes and yelled FUCK. In reality, this may not be the case, but in my memory, until my tire hit that curb, thats all i got.
b). i'm one calm ass mother fucker. i do not like people to see me cry. i wanted to cry. that was scary! but that bull head side kicked in HARD. the cops kept asking me questions and what i really wanted to say was "my fucking bell just got rung man, give me a minute, and maybe a cocktail?"  But i gave them my license, called my agent. handled it.

I"m thankful for the people on site. the witness to the woman who hit me, who ran the light. the woman from the church who helped me focus so i could grab my dog food out of my truck.

despite, being very calm and "i got it" y.  i resented very much having no one to call. to say "hey, i got in a wreck, and i'm ok" and have the other person be ever so thankful. yes, i have lots of friends who are glad i wasnt hurt. yes, my ex husband was very supportive, as were all my friends. but the aloneness of that moment.... that stung.

there has to be a lesson in getting dumped, and wrecked in a two week time period.
that. im still trying to figure.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Cooking. (with Chicken)

so i bought a whole chicken a few weeks ago. i debated heavily on the purchase. i usually will ONLY buy skinless, boneless chicken breasts. But at 7$ a package (all natural, free range, happy no steroid chickens), it wasnt being very economical. so they had this whole chicken from the same company sitting there for about the same price as the breasts, so, despite the fact it looked SO MUCH LIKE A CHICKEN! I bought it.

And it sat in my fridge.

eventually, i had to cook the bastard.

so one night after work when i felt too guilty to give my kids more pasta, i just dealt with the issue. Cut that sucker out of its plastic package rinsed it off and threw in in my stoneware baker. (yes, i removed that icky bag with unmentionables out of its neck).

I threw some onions, potatoes & carrots in the bottom of the baker. slathered on some butter. and poured a generous amount of cooking sherry over the sucker. cranked it up to 400, stuck my digital therm into it and let it cook.

about an hour (1.5?) it was done. I took the top off the baker in the last 25 min or so.

so that night we had the breast meat. it wasnt as flavorful as when i cook it in a skillet, but the boys liked it. the hormone free chickens are pretty small but it fed the three of us.

next was the hard part. getting the rest of the meat off of the bird. there really is only one word. disgusting. so i went to my happy disassociated place and picked it as clean as i could. i separated the white meat and the rest of it. The white meat that was left was my lunch the next day. the dark meat i put in a seperate bowl and saved it for "something else". I also put the drippings from the bottom of the pan in there, thinking the sherry would continue to season the meat, which it did.

so yesterday i decide to cook up some soup. and it was fab. and here is the recipe.

saute two onions in a little olive oil until translucent
press 3 cloves of garlic. dont burn
1 container (box) of vegetable broth
3-4 carrots sliced
2 potatoes, diced small
add in left over chicken (1.5 cups?)
i added some left over coconut milk
a generous amount of curry
a couple shakes of cumin
a large dash of cinnamon
a little tumeric
a bit of parsley
i actually did add a little salt

let it simmer.
its delish and it took me maybe 10-15 min to throw it all together.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

In the wind.

back in the day, on payday Steve would stop at Wooden Nickel on his way home from work and pick up some new album. This was in the olden days when a new album would drop, eventually it might get some airplay and sometime in the future, everyone was talking about it. Or not. He came home with some killer stuff. Mazzy Star, Eddie Brickel, both way before they hit air play. Primus, Testment, Mother love bone. I have a list a mile long, but as I was walking tonight one of my favorites came back to me. TSOL. I fell in love with the Strange Love album in 1990. I was 20 years old, coming out of my rebelous youth, feeling tired and worn out. I was planning my wedding, buying my first house, and wondering WTF I was doing with my life. Aimless. Frustrated. Lost. But also hopeful.

i didnt know then that no matter how you picture it going, youre going to hit that rough road repeatedly. i had this vision that if i just settled down. got married. raised a family, that the anxiety would abate. that the screaming demon that told me to just throw all my shit in the car and drive, forever, would stop. and it did. mostly. sometimes.

i was 21 and 5 months when we finally moved into our first home. the home that sounded like it made sense. it was 3 years old. it was on a cul-de-sac. it was in a decent school district. and i'm standing in my walk in closet, looking out over the circle of yards, all perfectly green, mowed in their nice little lines and i'm standing there with my head against the window in my Danzig t-shirt and thought, fuck. really? how did this happen?

8 years and two kids later, i got my dream house. a nice 1400 square foot house back on the south side. where i felt comfortable. one more kid and three years later, its over.

road rash.

fast forward another 10. and thats about how fast it feel like, i've got a kid in college.  im still on the ss but with a little more SF. and there are moments when my skin doesnt feel like it fits. where i still want to throw all my shit in my car and just drive. not because i dont want to be HERE, in this role, but simply because I'm tired. and there is this kid with this nevous energy and anxiety and fear and energy and angst still living here. but the grown up that has spent the last 20 years taking care of husbands and kids and partners and jobs and pets and keeping shit together wont let her win.

so. i'm faced with my future. i had my future mapped. again. and recently i hit the pavement. so i'm reworking the plan. there are things about a new start that excite me. the endless possiblities. there is also the fear of the multitudes of ways i can be untrue to myself and fuck it up.  and there is the reality of my responsibilites that keep me from going too far one way or another.

and tonight, when i was walking, In the wind came back to me. as it often does in what feels to be my lonliest of times. It takes me back to that place of excitement and fear at the very beginning. of being on the cusp of the rest of my life, full of hope and dreams. but also knowing deep down, that my road was going to be a windey motherfucker.

i'd really just like to quit hitting pavement.

T.S.O.L - In the wind.

People think I'm crazy, I'm always on the run
That's the way I like it baby, I'm your seventh son
I don't want no promises, I'll take it to the end
See love is not forever, I know because I've been
In the wind

People think I'm crazy, I'm always on the run
If you take me halfway baby, I'm better off alone
I will never turn around, I'll take it to the end
The wind it is forever, I know because I've been
In the wind

Nothing's gonna stop me, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me, In the wind
I've got everything I need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me

If you want to ride with me, Close your eyes and dream
We can ride forever baby, the wind it calls your name
We will never turn around, we'll take it to the end
The wind it is forever, I know because I've been
In the wind

Nothing's gonna stop us, In the wind
No one's gonna catch us, In the wind
We got everything we need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch us

Take hold of my shoulder
Let me fell you in my arms
We can ride this wind forever
We can mend our broken hearts
In the wind

Nothing's gonna stop me, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me, In the wind
I've got everything I need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me