back in the day, on payday Steve would stop at Wooden Nickel on his way home from work and pick up some new album. This was in the olden days when a new album would drop, eventually it might get some airplay and sometime in the future, everyone was talking about it. Or not. He came home with some killer stuff. Mazzy Star, Eddie Brickel, both way before they hit air play. Primus, Testment, Mother love bone. I have a list a mile long, but as I was walking tonight one of my favorites came back to me. TSOL. I fell in love with the Strange Love album in 1990. I was 20 years old, coming out of my rebelous youth, feeling tired and worn out. I was planning my wedding, buying my first house, and wondering WTF I was doing with my life. Aimless. Frustrated. Lost. But also hopeful.
i didnt know then that no matter how you picture it going, youre going to hit that rough road repeatedly. i had this vision that if i just settled down. got married. raised a family, that the anxiety would abate. that the screaming demon that told me to just throw all my shit in the car and drive, forever, would stop. and it did. mostly. sometimes.
i was 21 and 5 months when we finally moved into our first home. the home that sounded like it made sense. it was 3 years old. it was on a cul-de-sac. it was in a decent school district. and i'm standing in my walk in closet, looking out over the circle of yards, all perfectly green, mowed in their nice little lines and i'm standing there with my head against the window in my Danzig t-shirt and thought, fuck. really? how did this happen?
8 years and two kids later, i got my dream house. a nice 1400 square foot house back on the south side. where i felt comfortable. one more kid and three years later, its over.
road rash.
fast forward another 10. and thats about how fast it feel like, i've got a kid in college. im still on the ss but with a little more SF. and there are moments when my skin doesnt feel like it fits. where i still want to throw all my shit in my car and just drive. not because i dont want to be HERE, in this role, but simply because I'm tired. and there is this kid with this nevous energy and anxiety and fear and energy and angst still living here. but the grown up that has spent the last 20 years taking care of husbands and kids and partners and jobs and pets and keeping shit together wont let her win.
so. i'm faced with my future. i had my future mapped. again. and recently i hit the pavement. so i'm reworking the plan. there are things about a new start that excite me. the endless possiblities. there is also the fear of the multitudes of ways i can be untrue to myself and fuck it up. and there is the reality of my responsibilites that keep me from going too far one way or another.
and tonight, when i was walking, In the wind came back to me. as it often does in what feels to be my lonliest of times. It takes me back to that place of excitement and fear at the very beginning. of being on the cusp of the rest of my life, full of hope and dreams. but also knowing deep down, that my road was going to be a windey motherfucker.
i'd really just like to quit hitting pavement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuBzHEbt4ww
T.S.O.L - In the wind.
People think I'm crazy, I'm always on the run
That's the way I like it baby, I'm your seventh son
I don't want no promises, I'll take it to the end
See love is not forever, I know because I've been
In the wind
People think I'm crazy, I'm always on the run
If you take me halfway baby, I'm better off alone
I will never turn around, I'll take it to the end
The wind it is forever, I know because I've been
In the wind
Nothing's gonna stop me, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me, In the wind
I've got everything I need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me
If you want to ride with me, Close your eyes and dream
We can ride forever baby, the wind it calls your name
We will never turn around, we'll take it to the end
The wind it is forever, I know because I've been
In the wind
Nothing's gonna stop us, In the wind
No one's gonna catch us, In the wind
We got everything we need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch us
Take hold of my shoulder
Let me fell you in my arms
We can ride this wind forever
We can mend our broken hearts
In the wind
Nothing's gonna stop me, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me, In the wind
I've got everything I need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me
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