Thursday, February 7, 2013

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

my sister.

the universe gave me a sister who is in many ways my opposite. she tall and leggy with dark eyes and dark hair. her brain is at least 2x larger than mine. shes slacks and sweaters and diamonds to my jeans and beer shirts and chucks. shes country to my city.
the universe also gave me a sister who is in many ways my mirror. i can throw her all my crazy and she mirrors back sanity. i can tell her any truth or ugly or fear or sadness in my brain or heart, and she will reflect back insight, empathy, comfort and hope.
she understands when i’m standing in the bell-tower and walks me back down the stairs. and it doesnt scare her, because its her bell-tower too.
she understands my road and i understand her. for as different as they sometimes are, they are also very similar. in my moments when i feel and am, very alone. she is always right there.
i’m sorry i tried to kill you a few times sis. i love you. thank you. 
(i’ll loan you The Bell Jar so you get my jokes)

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

new blog over on wordpress

I'll eventually close this account out. all of my new work will be found at Hope to see you there!


14 days into 2013 and already there's a hairpin curve in the road. ok. i've already determined some things. 2012 was a reset. 2012 was figuring out how to function in a new sphere. figuring out who outside of the confines and support of a relationship, who Heather is.

its not an easy question to ask. and they are not always easy answers to hear. if you are listening. people do tell you. sometimes subtly through their actions towards you, their interactions with you, or actually in the things they speak. sometimes you get different answers from the same person and it can be confusing to dissect what you are hearing. you have to really focus. words. action. intent. ok got it.

so the mirror got held up in front of my face, and reflecting back were some truths. as much as you like to think you are breaking patterns and forging new paths, sometimes you end up on similar roads. its human nature, to take the path of least resistance. "oh, this looks familiar and safe, i've been here before!". it might be different. it might be a a lighter, wider, sunnier path, but when too many landscapes start to look familiar, you might need to check yourself.

this is not my forte. i tend to skip on down the road with my hair flying behind me going WHEEEEEEEE. not paying attention, then BAM. TREE! check.

you get up and dust yourself off, do an inventory, whats hurt? ok. assessed. checked. now what?

2013 is taking the information and putting forth a new plan. a new way of thinking. a new way of doing. sometimes it takes hitting a tree or two to keep on the path, its like the universes way of saying "hey. dummy. new path, NEW PATH!"

and sometimes you need a mirror to show you what your repeating.

one of the things that i dread, loathe, fear about the whole "dating" thing, is the telling of the stories. this is how i got from point a, to point b. blah!  its like this fucked up ritual. well, here is who i am, and this is why i'm this way, and this is what you can expect based on these set of experiances. i'm 40 fucking 2. thats a lot of shit.

but maybe. and this is a novel new thought. maybe, i dont have to be defined by those old experiences. maybe i simply am what i am today. thats new thinking right there. and by defining myself based on this moment, what paths will that take me on? no clue. but it might keep me off the old ones.

loss can be an opportunity for growth. if 2012 showed me anything, it showed me that.
2013. well, its going to reveal itself how it chooses, but so far its giving me a big fat sign that says THIS WAY.

ive got a list of goals. i've got great toolboxes. i've got great cheerleaders, some of whom are really really really far into the background but i know they are there. quietly watching and pushing me forward.

its good to check over your shoulder. but you have to keep your eyes focused on the path ahead. simple.

and be sure to thank the trees. 

Friday, December 28, 2012


maybe its being the end of the year. maybe its being 42. maybe its just me being me. but i cant help but be reflective. i dont think i spend too much time looking back, but you have to look over your shoulder from time to time to check in. steep into the moment, turn around chin up and press forward. its life.

sometimes i feel like my life moves at an unreal pace with unreal moments flying in and out. streaks of comet flashes across the sky of my life. people drop in, fly across, move out. some stay awhile. some dont. some stay a part of my permanent orbit, but their roles might change. i try to recognize the special ones, and keep them from getting too far away. i dont always do a good job.

the important part, for me, is recognizing what the gifts are. i simply cant look at each situation that presents itself, and moves on, as a loss. they are gifts.  it hurts when things dont work out how you plan.

sometimes you enter a situation knowing, oh, this one is going to sting when it ends. maybe that sounds cynical. its not cynical, its life. things begin. things end. i do believe there are people who's path is to find that "one" person and live with them happily for a long(ish) period of time. sometimes, for all their life. i already know thats not mine.

i've tried at times in my life, to try to form what i always thought life should be. husband. wife. kids. house. cat. dog.  simple.  attempt one didnt work.

i tried to try a new "family" life. the blended family.  all i have to say is respect to the blended families. you dont know hard till you throw different kids from different households with different rules and sometimes different values, stir in a couple ex's and POOF. that shit is hard.

so for a year i've been trying to figure out my new path. i made some decisions about that path. i know what i will and wont be doing. 

 i'm so so so thankful that i've been able to stay friends with chris. that we see each others kids. that we can bounce things off each other. i learned my lessons from that relationship. he took a really broken, self loathing human and gave me a toolbox full of gifts. there is rarely a day goes by that i dont use a gift he gave me. that was his purpose. and i know what mine was for him.

i've had other people fly in and out of my life this year. i tend to focus on the emotional and metaphysical gifts i receive.   this year i happened to receive physical gifts as well. from friends and acquaintances and a secret santa.  small tokens, HUGE tokens, of the friendships i treasure.

then probably the best gift of all. a mirror. a mirror with a message. be more. own this. push forward. a mirror who see's exactly who i am. who wont let me lie. who forces the best from me. who pushes me hard. who sees my chameleon soul but wont let me shift. 

a song inspired a movement. a message inspired a blog.  an impulse inspired a song. a song inspired a story. it all inspired h2.0.

"you're a wildheart. you'll never be mine. you'll never be anybody's."

my mirror.


h2.0 - In the wind. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

holy shit moments

one of the things i learned a long time ago are is there are holy shit moments. i used to think that once in a while,  you would get one. one that smacked you upside the head. but what i came to realize is, there are those moments. every day. you just have to be able to see them.

around a month or so ago a friend i had not spoken to for awhile had one of those moments. i was peeking through my fingers at him via fb. we werent connected there, hes one of those users that really doesnt like the forum, and has only a handful of friends. but there i was, peeking at him.

we realized a few years ago that our friendship is unique.  we both see the world through a fisheye lens. all the time.  there is a connectedness to everything. and we feel and see that invisible string.  its comforting to think something or feel something that most people look at you sideways for. and have the other person go "oh i KNOW".

so this morning i was thinking about the shape of my life. the long and current view. what step do i take next. because you have choices to make. every day.  

sometimes those choices are out of your hands. and you learn and adapt. but most of the time. the choices are sitting there. i can often see clearly, the path my choices bring.  not that i can necessarily see how it will all play out. but i usually have a pretty good sense of if something has legs or not.

this morning i was thinking about the same thing ive been focusing on all year. what do i want. who do i want to be. and where do i want to end up. pretty big stuff frankly. i mean. i think about the people who cross my path and how often do you deeply mull over your core? it feels as tho a lot of people are on a course for who they are and dont often mull over the big picture. they just keep moving forward.

i often feel like i'm juking every few years.  or months. or days.

and then my super awesome, most amazing friend said this: "so this is what i'm doing in December. because what i'm doing now, matters in July". This was relevant to his life and his goals. but it was one of those HOLY SHIT moments for me. because the choices i make now. damn well impact my next 7 months.

i have goals. i have projects to do, because they are not only necessary, but they are vital to my growth.

i have personal goals. things that i want to accomplish. some silly and small. some feel momentous and huge. but i have them. and im not willing to give them up.

and the choices i make right now. affect those.

my "where do i want to end up" is a big fuzzy picture.  one that consistantly changes scope and picture.

i do know. what i want from my now. it sits in my hands.

i want the opportunity to continue to explore all of those questions unfettered.  to know at the end of the day that im asking nothing of myself but to be me. and that no one is asking me to be anything other than me. because being me, really needs to be enough.

to stand next to me. to match me step by step on that quest. because at the end of the day. that should be enough.  push me to be the best. push me past the point of my comfort. but recognize, this is me.

that is my main goal of 2013.

Sunday, November 25, 2012


two separate but connected thoughts rambled across my brain this weekend. the second was today. i was at the gas station by my house, the place i go when i need, well gas. or milk. or smokes. or a diet coke. you know. that place. its my neighborhood gas station.  i'm a creature of habit.

i primarily shop on the southside.  i go to the same blockbuster. the same butcher. the same hardware store. the same grocery. 90% of the time. in most of these places, they at least recognize my face.

what crossed my mind today is that i know roughly a dozen or so people who live on the southside. like within a mile of my house. probably more than a dozen. and in the 8 years i've been in this house, the number of times i've crossed paths with any of those people, is nil. like it never ever happens. like ever. (sorry. im listening to swifty, i cant help it!)

how is this possible? its not like we are teeming with options over here. i mean. on top of the places i drive to, i walk alot. i walk the park and the neighborhoods surrounding my house. how am i not running into anyone?

so there was that thought.

the other was a conversation my sister and i were having at thanksgiving about dating. in general, neither of us partake in that particular ritual.  and i mean that in the sense of, being set up, or going on line and setting up some sort of dinner. drinks. coffee. etc. time with someone you have never met before.

there was a 7 month period, 6+ years ago where i did a little of that. mostly people i met on myspace. maybe a half dozen of those over a 6 months period. the problem is, within less than 5 minutes i know if i want to spend even one more minute with that person. 99 times out of 100 its going to be a no.

now i realize how that sounds. but its true.

at this point in my life, well i'm even more selective than i was 6 years ago. the bar is set pretty freaking high. add to that, that i'm, well me.  i have low thresholds for, quite a few things.

my sister is pretty much the same way. so we clinked glasses to someday living together and having 100 cats.

so what does one have to do with the other.

its really freaking hard to meet people  it just is. if i dont run into a single person i know, who live and shop in a few mile radius, then what are the odds i'm going to run into someone randomly that makes me go "huh, thats interesting".

and the percentage of people i find really really compelling in a "wow, that might be something to take a look at" way? low.

well i can understand why so many of my really amazing, wonderful friends are single.
i can also see why most of them are totally ok with it.