14 days into 2013 and already there's a hairpin curve in the road. ok. i've already determined some things. 2012 was a reset. 2012 was figuring out how to function in a new sphere. figuring out who outside of the confines and support of a relationship, who Heather is.
its not an easy question to ask. and they are not always easy answers to hear. if you are listening. people do tell you. sometimes subtly through their actions towards you, their interactions with you, or actually in the things they speak. sometimes you get different answers from the same person and it can be confusing to dissect what you are hearing. you have to really focus. words. action. intent. ok got it.
so the mirror got held up in front of my face, and reflecting back were some truths. as much as you like to think you are breaking patterns and forging new paths, sometimes you end up on similar roads. its human nature, to take the path of least resistance. "oh, this looks familiar and safe, i've been here before!". it might be different. it might be a a lighter, wider, sunnier path, but when too many landscapes start to look familiar, you might need to check yourself.
this is not my forte. i tend to skip on down the road with my hair flying behind me going WHEEEEEEEE. not paying attention, then BAM. TREE! check.
you get up and dust yourself off, do an inventory, whats hurt? ok. assessed. checked. now what?
2013 is taking the information and putting forth a new plan. a new way of thinking. a new way of doing. sometimes it takes hitting a tree or two to keep on the path, its like the universes way of saying "hey. dummy. new path, NEW PATH!"
and sometimes you need a mirror to show you what your repeating.
one of the things that i dread, loathe, fear about the whole "dating" thing, is the telling of the stories. this is how i got from point a, to point b. blah! its like this fucked up ritual. well, here is who i am, and this is why i'm this way, and this is what you can expect based on these set of experiances. i'm 40 fucking 2. thats a lot of shit.
but maybe. and this is a novel new thought. maybe, i dont have to be defined by those old experiences. maybe i simply am what i am today. thats new thinking right there. and by defining myself based on this moment, what paths will that take me on? no clue. but it might keep me off the old ones.
loss can be an opportunity for growth. if 2012 showed me anything, it showed me that.
2013. well, its going to reveal itself how it chooses, but so far its giving me a big fat sign that says THIS WAY.
ive got a list of goals. i've got great toolboxes. i've got great cheerleaders, some of whom are really really really far into the background but i know they are there. quietly watching and pushing me forward.
its good to check over your shoulder. but you have to keep your eyes focused on the path ahead. simple.
and be sure to thank the trees.