maybe its being the end of the year. maybe its being 42. maybe its just me being me. but i cant help but be reflective. i dont think i spend too much time looking back, but you have to look over your shoulder from time to time to check in. steep into the moment, turn around chin up and press forward. its life.
sometimes i feel like my life moves at an unreal pace with unreal moments flying in and out. streaks of comet flashes across the sky of my life. people drop in, fly across, move out. some stay awhile. some dont. some stay a part of my permanent orbit, but their roles might change. i try to recognize the special ones, and keep them from getting too far away. i dont always do a good job.
the important part, for me, is recognizing what the gifts are. i simply cant look at each situation that presents itself, and moves on, as a loss. they are gifts. it hurts when things dont work out how you plan.
sometimes you enter a situation knowing, oh, this one is going to sting when it ends. maybe that sounds cynical. its not cynical, its life. things begin. things end. i do believe there are people who's path is to find that "one" person and live with them happily for a long(ish) period of time. sometimes, for all their life. i already know thats not mine.
i've tried at times in my life, to try to form what i always thought life should be. husband. wife. kids. house. cat. dog. simple. attempt one didnt work.
i tried to try a new "family" life. the blended family. all i have to say is respect to the blended families. you dont know hard till you throw different kids from different households with different rules and sometimes different values, stir in a couple ex's and POOF. that shit is hard.
so for a year i've been trying to figure out my new path. i made some decisions about that path. i know what i will and wont be doing.
i'm so so so thankful that i've been able to stay friends with chris. that we see each others kids. that we can bounce things off each other. i learned my lessons from that relationship. he took a really broken, self loathing human and gave me a toolbox full of gifts. there is rarely a day goes by that i dont use a gift he gave me. that was his purpose. and i know what mine was for him.
i've had other people fly in and out of my life this year. i tend to focus on the emotional and metaphysical gifts i receive. this year i happened to receive physical gifts as well. from friends and acquaintances and a secret santa. small tokens, HUGE tokens, of the friendships i treasure.
then probably the best gift of all. a mirror. a mirror with a message. be more. own this. push forward. a mirror who see's exactly who i am. who wont let me lie. who forces the best from me. who pushes me hard. who sees my chameleon soul but wont let me shift.
a song inspired a movement. a message inspired a blog. an impulse inspired a song. a song inspired a story. it all inspired h2.0.
"you're a wildheart. you'll never be mine. you'll never be anybody's."
h2.0 - In the wind.