holy shit moments

one of the things i learned a long time ago are is there are holy shit moments. i used to think that once in a while,  you would get one. one that smacked you upside the head. but what i came to realize is, there are those moments. every day. you just have to be able to see them.

around a month or so ago a friend i had not spoken to for awhile had one of those moments. i was peeking through my fingers at him via fb. we werent connected there, hes one of those users that really doesnt like the forum, and has only a handful of friends. but there i was, peeking at him.

we realized a few years ago that our friendship is unique.  we both see the world through a fisheye lens. all the time.  there is a connectedness to everything. and we feel and see that invisible string.  its comforting to think something or feel something that most people look at you sideways for. and have the other person go "oh i KNOW".

so this morning i was thinking about the shape of my life. the long and current view. what step do i take next. because you have choices to make. every day.  

sometimes those choices are out of your hands. and you learn and adapt. but most of the time. the choices are sitting there. i can often see clearly, the path my choices bring.  not that i can necessarily see how it will all play out. but i usually have a pretty good sense of if something has legs or not.

this morning i was thinking about the same thing ive been focusing on all year. what do i want. who do i want to be. and where do i want to end up. pretty big stuff frankly. i mean. i think about the people who cross my path and how often do you deeply mull over your core? it feels as tho a lot of people are on a course for who they are and dont often mull over the big picture. they just keep moving forward.

i often feel like i'm juking every few years.  or months. or days.

and then my super awesome, most amazing friend said this: "so this is what i'm doing in December. because what i'm doing now, matters in July". This was relevant to his life and his goals. but it was one of those HOLY SHIT moments for me. because the choices i make now. damn well impact my next 7 months.

i have goals. i have projects to do, because they are not only necessary, but they are vital to my growth.

i have personal goals. things that i want to accomplish. some silly and small. some feel momentous and huge. but i have them. and im not willing to give them up.

and the choices i make right now. affect those.

my "where do i want to end up" is a big fuzzy picture.  one that consistantly changes scope and picture.

i do know. what i want from my now. it sits in my hands.

i want the opportunity to continue to explore all of those questions unfettered.  to know at the end of the day that im asking nothing of myself but to be me. and that no one is asking me to be anything other than me. because being me, really needs to be enough.

to stand next to me. to match me step by step on that quest. because at the end of the day. that should be enough.  push me to be the best. push me past the point of my comfort. but recognize, this is me.

that is my main goal of 2013.