Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Best dating profile, EVER.

Ok. So I know a few of you out there have done, or do the whole dating online thing. It's a reasonable way in this day to meet people. Well, I was talking with a friend of mine and while he is beyond awesome, he's been single awhile and so I said " let me review your profile". He admitted MAYBE he had quit trying and had just been postimg random shit. But this is so him. So unabashedly, no bullshit, no pretense, him. And he makes me belly laugh. So for all you out there, who say there are no good guys left. Read this. At the very least, he will crack you up. Love this guy.

 === Alright... I've been here for over a year now, and while I've met some fantastic people -- some of which may very well be life-long friends -- I've decided that I've had enough. That magical something for which I yearn was not in the singles bar not at the grocery store, was not in the sofa cushions, and is apparently not here, either.

 Le sigh.

 Where in the world does that amazing click happen, anyway? You know, that moment where you spot someone and you just know. "That's her." And she, at the exact same moment, is saying, "That's him." And in that moment, you realize that you don't have to play the stupid games. You don't have to pretend that you're only half interested, you don't have to wait x number of days before calling, you don't have to apologize for being yourself, or any of that other garbage that goes along with this whole silly ritual we call dating. If anyone can answer that, I'm still checking my messages. Also, next week's winning lottery numbers would be a nice touch.

 Quick update: I am a full-time single father and my career has been known to be a bit demanding and unpredictable on my time. I am VERY focused on my kids, and I push myself to provide for them the opportunities I didn't have when I was growing up. On the other hand, if you're the right woman, I'll make sure you never feel like you're taking the back seat. If any of this is a problem, I don't think we would be right for each other.

Otherwise, read on and enjoy the silliness at your own risk.
 Hmm... Is it okay if I just random blog here? Because "this space for rent" or something. (Nobody else really reads this crap, anyway. I could say that I like to eat baby seals, and even GreenPeace wouldn't give two poops.)
 I bet baby seals taste like chicken. You ever notice that? Anytime you need to compare a new food to something, the person who has already tried it always says it tastes like chicken. "Here, have yerself a piece o' roadkill skunk battered in algae and dipped in snail snot. It tastes just like chicken." I know people from Left Virginia who would eat that. Really. "And y'all ain't a man until you dun tried that with some o' granny's pickled 'possum tongue, neither."

 Yes, I know "'possum" is spelled with an o at the front, but it's hard to make the hilljack accent look right if you spell all the words properly. Don't mess with me, woman, I know what I'm doing here.

 Hey, this is fun. I'll come back a little later and add some more. (...since, you know, I won't be going out on a DATE or anything!)

 Random thought for 03/19:  Why do women take self-pics in the bathroom mirror dressed in some skimpy piece of nightwear? You're just gonna take it off after you're done taking the picture, put on your t-shirt and sweat pants, then go to bed. I mean, I understand there's that whole "sex appeal" thing, but you're taking a picture of yourself in the same place you poop. "Mmmm... Smells like sex... and corn." Don't get me wrong, you look fantastic, but I also know you're dressing up for yourself and fishing for compliments, only to shoot down the poor sap who actually comments on your appearance. Why get ticked at the guy who compliments your appearance? You should be pissed at me for saying that you look like a hooker. (Oh, calm down. I know you're not a hooker. Hookers are out making money. You're just taking vanity shots of your porcelain poop seat and posting them free on the web for me to use in my next Photoshop fun fest. Kudos.)

 Random thought for 03/21: I have absolutely zero interest in tickle fights with politicians.

 Random thought for 04/03: "Broccoli" is a funny word. It looks funnier when you have to spell it. Also, the word "boxes" really annoys me. You have one ox, and I give you my ox, you now have two oxen. (Sorry for the story problem math quiz. Didn't intend for anyone to have to use the ol' grey matter. I promise, no trains departing New York and Chicago here.) Anyway, so if I have one box, and you give me another box, I should have two boxen. I've been promoting this change for a decade or two, to lukewarm reception. Please help me. (P.S. Please take good care of my ox. His name is Tom. He likes chocolate chip cookies.) 

Random thought for 04/19: "Read Deleted." Seriously? Granted, sometimes men send out some really lame messages, but some of us actually take a few minutes to formulate something relevant to your profile. (Yes, my darlings, that means we read all your grammatically abhorrent, misspelled ramblings. It's practice for when we have to listen to you prattle on about your drama-filled work day, or how we never take out the trash.) Is it really such a chore to send a message back? "You look like a dog's a***. Piss off." We would much rather have that than nothing at all. Honest.

 Random thought for 05/22: Dear Ontario, Yes, you have some very intelligent, funny, attractive women. However, you are a little bit beyond 75 miles from me. Please stop this incessant conquest of my search results. I mean, come on... You're CANADA for crying out loud! You don't conquer anyone! Just sit back, relax, have a Molson, and take off, eh?

 Random thought for 06/26: You know what I love? How people can say 480 pounds at 4'2" means "a few extra pounds." Don't you mean a few extra people? Holy moly. Don't mistake my call for honesty as being shallow -- after all, I'm not even remotely what you'd call thin -- but for crying out loud... Just be honest! I'll take honesty over a lying twig who desperately needs to eat a sandwich. Any day.

 Random thought for 07/22: "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls." Just passing it along.

 Random thought for 08/07: When was it exactly that togas went out of style? It seems to me that such attire would be perfect for everyone. Wrap it a little tight if you have the curves to show off, leave a well-positioned pleat or two if those curves are a little too dangerous... And perfect for any weather! Well, except perhaps rain. Then again, a compulsory wet toga contest sounds like a really good idea. Plus, we have all sort of new material we could be making togas out of these days. Rayon... Polyester blend... Saran Wrap...

 Random thought for 11/26: I don't understand why the Lions and the Cowboys always play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't it be the Patriots playing against the Redskins? Then they can steal their stadium afterward.

 Random thought for 03/30: Why does this site block out anything even accidentally resembling a curse word, yet offer an uncensored "s*** happens" emoticon in messaging? It just makes me want to find creative ways to swear. ===

1 comment:

  1. Ahahaha, I know that profile. :)