so. i've been wanting to write my daughter a letter that sort of sums up everything i'm feeling about her leaving for school. more like how i feel about her graduating from hs. going to college and essentially being an adult. but I found i've been unable to write. i think of it and my throat tightens up and the tears start and i cant get anything started. so if i was going to write a letter to my daughter, here are some things I would say.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry for all the things i wanted to give you and couldnt. like parents who had their shit together. who stayed married and bought you matching furniture. parents who didnt yell or cuss. im sorry i didnt bake cookies more, and i'm sorry i didnt let you help. i'm sorry i hated messes and yelled about socks. i'm sorry i could never afford that canopy bed you wanted, with the pink top and the netting. 100 times in my head i redecorated your room with fairies and sparkles and every month the bills piled up and it never happened.
im sorry when you were goofy i told you to settle down. i'm sorry when you were loud i told you to be quiet. im sorry when we were in disney and you threw a fit we taped it because you were hysterical. : ) im sorry you had to grow up so fast.
i wanted to be the perfect parent, and i wasnt. i made bad choices sometimes. i let my own problems take me away from my children sometimes. i wanted to give you everything i had, but sometimes i didnt have much left.
im proud. im proud of every single thing you do. i was proud the first time you said SHIT at 18 months because you used it properly in a sentence. i was proud when you were 6 in gymnastics and couldnt point your feet. i was proud you tried soccer and baseball and ballet. i was proud of the times you stood up to me. called me out and demanded more of me. i am proud of the sister you are. you are their second mother and you did a good job. i was proud of you at 11 for taking care of two little boys. and doing it well. i'm proud of how you stuck to what you believed in and didnt let peer pressure change you. I'm proud of your self confidence (while you think you lack it) and the way you walk through life with your shoulders thrown back (metaphorically, stand up STRAIGHT!) : ) Im proud of all the things you accomplished in HS, from speech to editor and all the days spent after school getting extra help with your studies. you amaze me in your tenacity.
im excited. i'm excited to see what your future holds. to see how you maneuver through college. you will be so homesick. but you will be ok. im excited to hear about your classes and your friends. i'm excited to see what life path you choose. i'm excited to see you go off and be a kid. and i hope you will throw yourself head first into digging in and enjoying your life. putting your needs and your wants at the forefront and knowing that no matter WHAT road you travel, we love you and are proud of you.
i'm sad to see you go. because i will miss the 10 minute download. the goofy silly hyper post work taylor who tells me about a week in 10 min. but i'm looking forward to visiting you. and skyping with you. and sending you things. for some reason i feel i'll be a better parent....
mostly what I would tell my daughter, is i am only the person i am today, because she exists.
my bird. she flies.