compromising.

so i was pondering relationships this morning. one of the local radio shows was talking about what careers women find sexy. lawyer, politician, doctor, pilot and firefighter (not in order). hmmmm. personally, the only career remotely sexy to me is of course firefighter (it must be the pants??!)  regardless it got me thinking about what we find appealing, how we end up in the relationships we do and what we give up to stay in them. i was thinking about all of the people i know well, and the people i only know from the "outside". there is one couple in particular who i watch from afar that appears to "have it all".  He obviously makes bank, she stays home, they travel all over with their two children. from the outside it looks like the ideal life. but what is the ideal life and what goes on behind closed doors? maybe its the skeptic in me but i suspect everyone is giving up something. appearances: when i told my closest friends and family i was leaving my husband of 11 years, people were quite surprised. its not that i didnt bitch about my marriage occasionally. but mostly, i kept up appearances. you smile. you hold hands. you pose for the pictures. you interact at social functions. it was always very important to me to NOT be the wife who bitched about her husband. did i? i dont even remember now. but what i do know, is i was SAD. i was lonely. i was starved for physical attention. my husband was a great provider. he was a great father. he was a good domestic partner. he was my best friend . . .but i was LONELY. i cant put my finger on what exactly it was i wasnt getting, but i wasnt getting it. the road thereafter is moot. .... but when i look around at other relationships, including my current one, i seem to examine very closely what the compromises are. and are they a deal breaker. do you give up mind blowing sex for someone who makes you laugh? do you give up someone who makes you laugh for someone who is great at remembering special occasions? or is there this utopia land where a small percentage of people are in relationships where the sex is great, you get flowers more than once a year, all occasions are acknowledged with a thoughtful gift, little cards are left in your suitcase when you go out of town, underwear is never left on the floor, toothpaste is never in the sink, you laugh, you talk, you dont stress about money, your kids are squared away and life is just easy? nope. not even in the movies.
relationships are all about compromise, giving up this, for a little more of that. and trying to make sure that what you are getting is way more than what you are losing. that, i think, is the key. but i do consistently ponder, what it is, other people have given up and what part of their soul is screaming.

flying.

so. i've been wanting to write my daughter a letter that sort of sums up everything i'm feeling about her leaving for school. more like how i feel about her graduating from hs. going to college and essentially being an adult.  but I found i've been unable to write. i think of it and my throat tightens up and the tears start and i cant get anything started. so if i was going to write a letter to my daughter, here are some things I would say.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for all the things i wanted to give you and couldnt. like parents who had their shit together. who stayed married and bought you matching furniture. parents who didnt yell or cuss. im sorry i didnt bake cookies more, and i'm sorry i didnt let you help. i'm sorry i hated messes and yelled about socks.  i'm sorry i could never afford that canopy bed you wanted, with the pink top and the netting. 100 times in my head i redecorated your room with fairies and sparkles and every month the bills piled up and it never happened.
im sorry when you were goofy i told you to settle down. i'm sorry when you were loud i told you to be quiet. im sorry when we were in disney and you threw a fit we taped it because you were hysterical. : ) im sorry you had to grow up so fast.
i wanted to be the perfect parent, and i wasnt. i made bad choices sometimes. i let my own problems take me away from my children sometimes. i wanted to give you everything i had, but sometimes i didnt have much left.

im proud. im proud of every single thing you do. i was proud the first time you said SHIT at 18 months because you used it properly in a sentence. i was proud when you were 6 in gymnastics and couldnt point your feet. i was proud you tried soccer and baseball and ballet. i was proud of the times you stood up to me. called me out and demanded more of me. i am proud of the sister you are. you are their second mother and you did a good job. i was proud of you at 11 for taking care of two little boys. and doing it well. i'm proud of how you stuck to what you believed in and didnt let peer pressure change you. I'm proud of your self confidence (while you think you lack it) and the way you walk through life with your shoulders thrown back (metaphorically, stand up STRAIGHT!) : ) Im proud of all the things you accomplished in HS, from speech to editor and all the days spent after school getting extra help with your studies. you amaze me in your tenacity.

im excited. i'm excited to see what your future holds. to see how you maneuver through college. you will be so homesick. but you will be ok. im excited to hear about your classes and your friends. i'm excited to see what life path you choose. i'm excited to see you go off and be a kid. and i hope you will throw yourself head first into digging in and enjoying your life. putting your needs and your wants at the forefront and knowing that no matter WHAT road you travel, we love you and are proud of you.

i'm sad to see you go. because i will miss the 10 minute download. the goofy silly hyper post work taylor who tells me about a week in 10 min. but i'm looking forward to visiting you. and skyping with you. and sending you things. for some reason i feel i'll be a better parent....

mostly what I would tell my daughter, is i am only the person i am today, because she exists.
my bird. she flies.

Blended.

This could be a really awesome entry about being a blended family, but alas, I'm not feeling like going THERE this morning. But I do have an idea I wanted to share with other parents. One of my biggest challenges last school year was getting my then 13 year old to eat breakfast. I completely get not wanting to eat as 10 am is more my speed for breakfast, and even then breakfast food is not my choice. But sending my kid off to school day after day with no food felt like a major parenting fail. I tried breakfast bars (most are crap), a plethora of cereals, home made pancakes . .. nothing. Then i was on attempt 10,342 to loose weight and decided I was going to start with protein shakes and bought myself this dandy of a blender. Then it occurred to me that maybe I could get my KID to drink them. Low and behold, after a few failed attempts to please his palette, I found some combinations that worked. For Chase it is pretty simple: frozen fruit of any kind (i prefer to go with the more nutrient dense berries, cherries etc), some fruit juice and a scoop of vanilla protein.  Voila. Pictured is my blender. Its perfect and I've been using it for over a year and havent killed it. $60.00 at Walmart. . .  I have started adding a bit of wheat germ and flax oil to his smoothies (shhhh) which help with his dry skin and are just all around good for you. I'd like to try some of the naked juices in there, but they are awfully pricey  . .