authenticating.

ive found it almost impossible to tap into my creative side these last 3 months.

2011 was a year of uncovering and uncloaking and digging deep to find some authentic to my world. to slow down. focus on some things that brought me true pleasure. i was working through the Mandala on the soul journey program and was amazed at what gifts that brought. when i look at a few pieces of writing and some photography from that time i can see it. i felt like a balloon being filled up with lightness, that I hadnt felt in a long time.

then the shotgun blast and i'm trying really hard to fill that ballon back up.  to not let the circumstances and decisions keep me filled with lead on the ground.

its hard. its hard to sit and be in my own company. i havent picked up my camera. and i need to. i realize now my pleasure in taking pictures was closely tied to his pride in me. i also realize it was a way for me to be seen. because i had started to be very invisible. and trying to be visible can be exhausting. trying to prove your worth on a daily basis, to someone else, is soul crushing work.  its hard when you realize, that your value to the person you are sharing your life with, is gone. but if you keep spinning, you can kind of blur the frame and ignore it.

and i need to be still. i just have no clue how to do that. i hum with energy not being tapped. i feel frenetic. and i want it to all be better. now. not later. now. i want to move on and be healthy and strong and whole.

im tired of looking for the lesson, the silver lining. i just want to BE.

 i want to write about something happy. like love stories and romance and pretty things.
flowers and sunshine. not lighting and bricks.

and i wonder if im even marginally capable.