Monday, September 17, 2012

Happy (non) Anniversary.

in 5 days, it would have been our 6th anniversary. the milestones are hard. his birthday, my birthday. all 5 kids birthdays. summer. our anniversary. then halloween. thanksgiving. christmas. new years. and finally, the one year mark. i'm3/4 of the way through. but this one. this one brings quite a bit of reflection, where the others i can  . . do my best to skim over

sept. 15 was the first day we spoke online.7 days later I met him in person. i can still see him clear as day, standing outside watching me walk from my car, across the parking lot. the grin from ear to ear. it took about 30 minutes and i knew. this was special.

i could write a novel based on what life put us through over the next 5 years. mistakes we made. both of us. i can see it much more clearly now. the things we could have fixed. and the things we never could. none of that matters now. you cant go back and undo things said. actions taken. decisions made. we held on for all we were worth. and in the end, love WASNT enough.

so. what would i say.

thank you.

thank you for recognizing that all the love and respect in the world wasnt going to change who we inherently are, and what the structure of our life was. thank you for having the balls to sit here and cry with me and tell me, that it sucks. and it hurts, but we were done.

thank you for letting me go so i could find myself again. i loved our life and i loved our family but the stress had sucked me dry. i was tense, and stressed and FRUSTRATED and unhappy. and i didnt even recognize how bad it was until i had some time to get back to me.

thank you for 5 years of filling me up. for taking me when i was broken and angry and patched together and soothing out the edges. for holding me late at night when i would cry in my sleep. for encouraging me to leap. for respecting me for the woman, mother, citizen i am. for being my biggest champion. i have no doubt that every bit of good that i accomplish, has a bit of you with it.

thank you for teaching me. teaching me to be softer. kinder. gentler. teaching me grace. and also to have a back bone. teaching me how to have a system (tho i still dont load the groceries right), how to run a chain saw, and how to drive a boat. it takes infinite patience to teach someone who already knows it all.

thank you for the late nights. the hours and hours of social commentary and parent brain sessions. it always felt like we could solve the world.

thank you for letting me love your boys. i know they are the most important thing in the world to you, and i'm thankful for my time with them. i miss them every day.

thank you for teaching me spontaneity. that its ok to decide to go on a road trip with two hours notice and no planning. there is always a shit hole motel somewhere to crash in.

thank you for 5 years of better than most people ever get. we were pretty fucking lucky.

there are so many things. so many over 5 years. i could fill pages and pages of things you brought to my world.

thank you for being my best friend. i can still say, despite the anger and sadness,  that only your best friend could possibly end what we had, knowing it was best for everyone. it sucks. but its true. you were right.

Happy (non) Anniversary. Love h.

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