Tuesday, October 2, 2012

mutterings and nonsensicals.

my computer says nonsensicals isnt a word. but its a pc so what does it know? (probably that its not a word. oooh wellllll)

so tonight the boys and i are watching the season opener (that's not right. the..  the..., hell the first new episode of the season. whatever) of Raising Hope (which is just a damn funny show) and Jimmy and Sabrina get engaged. And because I'm a blasted sucker for that crap, I get all Awwwww. And Immediately think, "well that wont last".  How can someone be so cynical and such a hopeless sap at the same time?

i spend a lot of time, too  much time trying to break things down. i've really been trying to NOT do too much of that since the break up because, really, nothing can be UNDONE now. its done. but you have to LEARN something from it dont you? learn where you turned left when you should have gone right. so maybe next time, if you are brave enough for a next time, maybe you do things differently?

i was in a relationship for 5 years. there is a certain expectation that after you date someone for a certain period of time, that you think, you know, I'd like to do this for a long time. I'd like to by an appliance with this person. maybe get a cat.

 when i was younger, when i was YOUNG, we kind of took it in steps. we purchased a fan. and then a chair. i mean the chair was a recliner and required credit. that was a pretty big commitment. then we got a cat. and after living together for a year, and acquiring a fan, a chair and a cat in one year, while laying around hung over one sunday I said "you know. dont you think we should just get married?" and my hungover boyfriend said "sure". so we went to the mall and picked out the most expensive ring we could put on our credit card ($300.00!), and voila! engaged. (ok, at some point i think he got down on one knee in front of our apartment and mumbled something at me, it was a long time ago, its pretty vague). And 6 or so months later we were married. (no, i wasnt pregnant, i was having so many anxiety attacks me moved the wedding UP, brilliant move. anxiety attacks dont mean ANYTHING IS WRONG HERE)

so fast forward 3 kids and 12 years later. ew. no,i want to skip that part, thats a terrible part and lets just sail on another 4 or so. or 6. yeah 6.

so i'm two years into my last relationship and sparing you the details, there was some talk of getting married. a few "man i fucking love you, will you marry me?" moments. moments you cant take seriously because of the location and the time and maybe the beers, but they sit in your brain and you wonder "can i do that again?" and part of you thinks "YES YES YES. ask me in a real way. ask me in the most charming and sweet way, let me believe that you MEAN IT. and that it might last. let me believe in this again . .. " and part of you is having an anxiety attack.

well life zigged. or he ziggged and three years later it was pretty fucking clear we were never even going to buy a fan.

but i really wanted to spend the rest of my life sitting next to that person. he just couldnt see sitting next to me.

so whats next. dating. good god. i dont date. i think i have gone on . . . less than a dozen dates in the almost 11 years i've been not doing the marriage thing. i meet people. its the digital age. i could meet new people every day if i wanted. i have friends. i spend time doing fun things. i have laughs. and i wonder, do i want to fuck that up just so i can get 1, 2, 5, 10 years down the road and go "huh. well this isnt working". because the recovery period SUCKS.

well yeah, i do. cause i'm a relationship girl. i always have been.

but its terrifying. its terrifying to have so much as a shred of hope of being swept off your feet. most of the time you are just hoping to be happy and not get screwed over. once upon a time i thought i could re-create a family in my home. the whole, mom, dad, kids. even if it was mom, step dad, kid kid kid kid kid. I've been running my own home since 2002. Just the thought of sharing is overwhelming. I want it. I cant SEE it.

i write this because i have a lot of single friends. some with kids. some without. and we talk. a little. we dont talk too much. about what we want, what we are afraid of. we joke. we put our chins up. are we are good, solid people who are getting on, getting on. what else can you do? not a damn thing.

something will turn up. turn down, round the bend. show up. just not being able to see it. its just scary, and frustrating  and sometimes damn lonely.

but mostly its ok. and i dont say that because i want to end the blog on some fucking cherry note. it just is, mostly ok. right now. its ok. im surrounded by awesome people. and i enjoy every bit of that i can.

I cant help but think how much easier it was at 19. buying a fan. a chair. and getting a cat, and having it seem like getting married was of course, the next best step.

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