did it my damn self. almost. sorta. v2.

plumbing is hard. the end.

(seriously, i learned a LOT. and dishwashers really are easy to replace. so let me know if you want info about either). 

did it my damn self.

I may start a separate blog for just my home improvement projects. Until then i'll leave them here. So, in January I made a list of everything I wanted to do to the house. It was pretty long. With living in two houses for 4.5 years, mostly at the other house, I had let a lot of things go. There was also a bit of . .  lets say resentment, about the fact that there were things broken, that my super handy can fix anything bf, never quite got around to. (and because I know he sometimes reads my blog, yes, thank you for all of the things you did fix. I do appreciate it . .) That being said. Some things were long neglected. So I started on the easy stuff. Mostly painting. I like to paint and I get bored so I do paint a lot. Then I moved on to things that i perceived to be slightly intimidating. Or heavy labor. I put in the garden. I hung some lattice. Replaced a broken lock on the door. Little things. Then one day I'm dorking around with this new mirror for above the mantle and I broke the ONE sconce that worked. When i moved in there were two. The first one broke about a year after I moved in. I covered it up with a picture and a plant. There was no way I was going to deal with electricity. Well it never got fixed and when I broke the other one I decided I better figure this out. So I found some sconces on lighting direct.com. I had been looking for years for something I liked, that wasnt pricey.  For a cheap bitch I have expensive tastes! I finally found some that were $31.00 a piece, with free shipping. whoot! (yes, I do normally implore you to shop local, but I found NOTHING local that I liked in my price range) 

So one evening when the kids were home I decided to give this a try. Now. I have plaster walls. plaster is a bitch. I knew I had to go into this project with some patience. And measure a lot. I had to obviously use the existing wires coming out of the wall. But i also needed the sconces to be a certain distance apart so i could fit my bitchin new mirror between them. I had my directions and the first issue was there was no handy electrical box like you would find in a new home. There were simply two wires hanging straight out of the wall. whoot!

 First I had to flip the breaker, which was not labeled correctly. This entailed me standing in the basement flipping breakers and having Harrison yell NOPE NOPE NOPE and me yelling ARE THEY OFF? ARE THEY OFF? ARE THEY OFF?, it was fun. really. Once we were reasonably sure there was no electricity to the wires (i do have this meter thingy that the ex left for me, i did use that to see if there was juice), I was ready to start. I measured about 18 times. Because I suck at measuring. And got the new brackets attached to the wall. I only ended up with one small chunk of plaster in my eye which i deem a success. Now it was time to wire the new lights in. This is super easy. You just grab two wires that are the same color and twist them together in one of those little plastic cone things. The problem is electricity really does terrify me (i wonder how many times i stuck something into a light socket as a kid? too many i think). So i'm standing on a chair to reach all this. And I have chase standing next to me with a 3 foot piece of wood with these instructions. "if i touch that wire, and I'm getting shocked, I need you to swing that at me hard enough to knock me off this chair. you got that?" I think he was torn between pure fear at holding this responsibility and pure fascination at the possibility of knocking me off a chair with a stick.  Harrison was simply horrified. I touched the wire. It was dead. I sent the kids on their merry way. I consider this also a successful teaching moment. But that is another blog.

The install, in total took less than an hour. And they look awesome. Here is a bad picture of them. Trust me. They look good and are practically straight.

mutterings and nonsensicals.

my computer says nonsensicals isnt a word. but its a pc so what does it know? (probably that its not a word. oooh wellllll)

so tonight the boys and i are watching the season opener (that's not right. the..  the..., hell the first new episode of the season. whatever) of Raising Hope (which is just a damn funny show) and Jimmy and Sabrina get engaged. And because I'm a blasted sucker for that crap, I get all Awwwww. And Immediately think, "well that wont last".  How can someone be so cynical and such a hopeless sap at the same time?

i spend a lot of time, too  much time trying to break things down. i've really been trying to NOT do too much of that since the break up because, really, nothing can be UNDONE now. its done. but you have to LEARN something from it dont you? learn where you turned left when you should have gone right. so maybe next time, if you are brave enough for a next time, maybe you do things differently?

i was in a relationship for 5 years. there is a certain expectation that after you date someone for a certain period of time, that you think, you know, I'd like to do this for a long time. I'd like to by an appliance with this person. maybe get a cat.

 when i was younger, when i was YOUNG, we kind of took it in steps. we purchased a fan. and then a chair. i mean the chair was a recliner and required credit. that was a pretty big commitment. then we got a cat. and after living together for a year, and acquiring a fan, a chair and a cat in one year, while laying around hung over one sunday I said "you know. dont you think we should just get married?" and my hungover boyfriend said "sure". so we went to the mall and picked out the most expensive ring we could put on our credit card ($300.00!), and voila! engaged. (ok, at some point i think he got down on one knee in front of our apartment and mumbled something at me, it was a long time ago, its pretty vague). And 6 or so months later we were married. (no, i wasnt pregnant, i was having so many anxiety attacks me moved the wedding UP, brilliant move. anxiety attacks dont mean ANYTHING IS WRONG HERE)

so fast forward 3 kids and 12 years later. ew. no,i want to skip that part, thats a terrible part and lets just sail on another 4 or so. or 6. yeah 6.

so i'm two years into my last relationship and sparing you the details, there was some talk of getting married. a few "man i fucking love you, will you marry me?" moments. moments you cant take seriously because of the location and the time and maybe the beers, but they sit in your brain and you wonder "can i do that again?" and part of you thinks "YES YES YES. ask me in a real way. ask me in the most charming and sweet way, let me believe that you MEAN IT. and that it might last. let me believe in this again . .. " and part of you is having an anxiety attack.

well life zigged. or he ziggged and three years later it was pretty fucking clear we were never even going to buy a fan.

but i really wanted to spend the rest of my life sitting next to that person. he just couldnt see sitting next to me.

so whats next. dating. good god. i dont date. i think i have gone on . . . less than a dozen dates in the almost 11 years i've been not doing the marriage thing. i meet people. its the digital age. i could meet new people every day if i wanted. i have friends. i spend time doing fun things. i have laughs. and i wonder, do i want to fuck that up just so i can get 1, 2, 5, 10 years down the road and go "huh. well this isnt working". because the recovery period SUCKS.

well yeah, i do. cause i'm a relationship girl. i always have been.

but its terrifying. its terrifying to have so much as a shred of hope of being swept off your feet. most of the time you are just hoping to be happy and not get screwed over. once upon a time i thought i could re-create a family in my home. the whole, mom, dad, kids. even if it was mom, step dad, kid kid kid kid kid. I've been running my own home since 2002. Just the thought of sharing is overwhelming. I want it. I cant SEE it.

i write this because i have a lot of single friends. some with kids. some without. and we talk. a little. we dont talk too much. about what we want, what we are afraid of. we joke. we put our chins up. are we are good, solid people who are getting on, getting on. what else can you do? not a damn thing.

something will turn up. turn down, round the bend. show up. just not being able to see it. its just scary, and frustrating  and sometimes damn lonely.

but mostly its ok. and i dont say that because i want to end the blog on some fucking cherry note. it just is, mostly ok. right now. its ok. im surrounded by awesome people. and i enjoy every bit of that i can.

I cant help but think how much easier it was at 19. buying a fan. a chair. and getting a cat, and having it seem like getting married was of course, the next best step.

Happy (non) Anniversary.

in 5 days, it would have been our 6th anniversary. the milestones are hard. his birthday, my birthday. all 5 kids birthdays. summer. our anniversary. then halloween. thanksgiving. christmas. new years. and finally, the one year mark. i'm3/4 of the way through. but this one. this one brings quite a bit of reflection, where the others i can  . . do my best to skim over

sept. 15 was the first day we spoke online.7 days later I met him in person. i can still see him clear as day, standing outside watching me walk from my car, across the parking lot. the grin from ear to ear. it took about 30 minutes and i knew. this was special.

i could write a novel based on what life put us through over the next 5 years. mistakes we made. both of us. i can see it much more clearly now. the things we could have fixed. and the things we never could. none of that matters now. you cant go back and undo things said. actions taken. decisions made. we held on for all we were worth. and in the end, love WASNT enough.

so. what would i say.

thank you.

thank you for recognizing that all the love and respect in the world wasnt going to change who we inherently are, and what the structure of our life was. thank you for having the balls to sit here and cry with me and tell me, that it sucks. and it hurts, but we were done.

thank you for letting me go so i could find myself again. i loved our life and i loved our family but the stress had sucked me dry. i was tense, and stressed and FRUSTRATED and unhappy. and i didnt even recognize how bad it was until i had some time to get back to me.

thank you for 5 years of filling me up. for taking me when i was broken and angry and patched together and soothing out the edges. for holding me late at night when i would cry in my sleep. for encouraging me to leap. for respecting me for the woman, mother, citizen i am. for being my biggest champion. i have no doubt that every bit of good that i accomplish, has a bit of you with it.

thank you for teaching me. teaching me to be softer. kinder. gentler. teaching me grace. and also to have a back bone. teaching me how to have a system (tho i still dont load the groceries right), how to run a chain saw, and how to drive a boat. it takes infinite patience to teach someone who already knows it all.

thank you for the late nights. the hours and hours of social commentary and parent brain sessions. it always felt like we could solve the world.

thank you for letting me love your boys. i know they are the most important thing in the world to you, and i'm thankful for my time with them. i miss them every day.

thank you for teaching me spontaneity. that its ok to decide to go on a road trip with two hours notice and no planning. there is always a shit hole motel somewhere to crash in.

thank you for 5 years of better than most people ever get. we were pretty fucking lucky.

there are so many things. so many over 5 years. i could fill pages and pages of things you brought to my world.

thank you for being my best friend. i can still say, despite the anger and sadness,  that only your best friend could possibly end what we had, knowing it was best for everyone. it sucks. but its true. you were right.

Happy (non) Anniversary. Love h.

aggravating.

Man its hard to keep coming up with ING headings! So i'm trying to write this without being AGGRAVATING (wait, thats what this should be called ..  . changing heading . . )

Ok. So, to make a long story short, I was an athlete most of my life. Ok, well I was an athlete the first half of my life. Then I wasnt. And for 20 years I really didn't do any sort of exercise. I had three kids. I ate like a beast for three pregnancies.  And my weight went up and down, up and down and after all three kids I settled in at a weight marginally above my HS weight. I wasnt thrilled but all things considered I didnt have much to bitch about. Then I got divorced when my kids were little and I lost a ton of weight. and life was good. except for the poverty and stress and panic attacks. but i digress. 

Then I discovered craft beer and for four years my partner and I drank a ton of it. Tons and tons and tons of exploring, road trips, the quests for the best beers. Well you know what happens when you are pushing 40 and drink lots of really good beer and have almost no form of exercise?

You put on 25 lbs and wake up one day and go WTF?!

Well then I had this break up and my sister was fearful I might fall down the well and not be able to climb back out, so one night after a few vodka cocktails she offers to pay for 6 weeks with her and Mariah and their personal trainer.

So for the first time in a long long long time, I went to a gym and let someone abuse the hell out of me, in a totally constructive way.

And it was HARD. And i didnt like it at all. Because i was slow and thought i might die. But I was pretty sad and angry about the break up so i pushed myself. And i went for 6 weeks and then my free ride ran out and i quit.

Well,  Jason (the owner of catalyst) convinced me to come back. And the thought of skinny as revenge was pretty appealing so back i went.

Well that was 8 months ago. I've not gone every week. Sometimes work gets in the way.  I wouldnt say that i'm dying to get to the gym. I dont think i'll ever  be one of those people who gets all excited to have someone make them want to puke. But i do enjoy it. Its an AMAZING stress relief. When i feel moody and blue and depressed, exercise actually HELPS with that.

I've not lost the 20lbs i went in to lose. In fact, after 8 months I have lost 1lb. 1.  Now that might sound like maybe its not working. but it is. I'm building muscle that i havent had in a long, long time. I'm not pushing 40 anymore. I'm 42. What a difference a few years makes. I can see the changes in my legs, when I wear heels I see the definition in my calves that hasnt been there for a long time. I can see it in my face, I'm starting to see cheek bones again. Small changes, slow changes. But changes.

I feel stronger. my back feels 1000x better than it has in years. The trainers work with me every single time on stretching. One of my major issues is that as a former gymnast, I've let my muscles completely tighten up (my phrasing). I have very little flexibility. They work with me on that.

But the main benefit, right now, is walking in that door, knowing I'm doing something positive. I'm getting stronger. I'm being pushed to the max of my limits. TO THE MAX. And I give 110% every single time. And leave with my head up knowing that while I may not look like the buff girls in the gym, I still kicked ass.

Revenge no longer matters, and really it would never have mattered to him anyway. This is about me and how I feel. And as long as i feel good. I'm happy.

I know a LOT of my friends right now are hitting the gym. Either at Catalyst or other places. I know friends who start and stop. Ones who yoga and ones who Zumba. Everyone has a different reason and i think all of us at some point get discouraged. I have found that having a time slot with my sister and Mariah has helped me tremendously. I'm less likely to call off unless work demands it. I push myself harder because we are all type A competitive people and no one wants to wuss out. I always in the past felt like i didnt have the time. That was my number one excuse, which with my life then, it was really hard to work in. But once you work it in, you find its totally do able.

I wanted to share this because I know how easy it is to get discouraged if you have set a goal and its taking longer than you would like to see results. There have been several times I've thought "screw it, i'm 40.  This is how I look". Then i notice how my back feels if i miss a gym day. And i realize how important this is to my over all health, physical and mental.

So yeah, I just booked a time slot for 7:30 am on a SATURDAY MORNING. Voluntarily.

If i can do this. You can do this.  (oh hell, most of you are, I think I'm late to the party).

So thanks to all of my FB friends who have been out there this last year or so, posting about their accomplishments and challenges with exercise and changes in eating habits and all of the positive things you all have been doing. I may not always comment, but it has really helped keep me motivated.

Mostly I just dont want my sister calling me a wuss.

frustrating.

So, we’ve all been pretty up in arms lately. The GOP appears to have lost its collective mind. In Arizona conception now starts on the first day of a womans period, before semen is even introduced to the equation. Public officials are running around saying asinine things like “legitimate” rape and “forceable” rape and in general just collectively pissing off self- respecting women everywhere. And I’ll be frank, I’ve been so frustrated, so completely and utterly aghast that sometimes my only recourse has been TEARS of frustration and anger.  

And tonight when I was driving home I was reminded that the picture, while it already looms, is so much bigger and darker.

Im driving down Fairfiled, and there is a woman sitting on the steps of her sidewalk, down from her porch. Shes in her 20’s or 30’s, its hard to tell. She’s wearing an oversized plain white t-shirt. Her hair is pulled back. Her head is in her hands.

Standing in front of her is a thinnish man, maybe a little older Hes standing above her, pointing his finger her direction. There is maybe two feet between them. He’s obviously unhappy, hes obviously verbally berating her.

Standing off to the side, toe in the dirt is a little boy watching the man out of the corner of his eye.

In less than 10 seconds I feel like I can see their whole life.

And all of these arguments and debates and rhetoric that all of the politicians go on and on about. How does any of that affect these people In THIS moment?

There is a cycle to this life. She didn’t grow up in a strong household with loving devoted parents. She probably grew up in a similar environment, of poverty, abuse, neglect and defeat. I would guess that any fight she may have once had in her, is gone.

This man, this man pointing his finger at her, dominating her head and her heart and her soul, probably grew up watching his father intimidate his mother in the same way. Yell, belittle, beat down, demean. Take away. Hurt. It was probably done to him as a child as well, turning what was once a fragile child into an angry little man.

The cycle.

This is not isolated. THIS is our epidemic.

Poverty. Lack of education. Lack of strong role models. Cycles of abuse. Addictions. All strong contributing factors. But what is the solution? Its not trickle down economics. As a society we don’t even CARE about these people. We want them off our tab. Cut their funding. We don’t want to feed them, or clothe them or give them a hand up. We want to drive on by and look the other way and pretend they don’t exist and get our skinny latte and  type on our macbook about how the system needs changed damn it and where are MY tax breaks! Maybe buy a family Christmas and write it off as our good deed for the year.

I drove on by. I debated going back. What the hell do you do? Grab that skinny fucker and drag him into the dirt? Shake her and say “wake UP!” don’t you see your son there? Is this all you want for him?  To see you slowly decaying and allowing him to suffer as well?

I don’t have any answers. I’m still just frustrated and angry and shaking and wondering how to make some kind of damn difference in a world that feels like its gone mad. 

Coming out.

So Entertainment Weekly ran a spread on celebrities and their official announcements of their sexuality. I didnt read it. But its sitting in my mail pile. Following closely on the heels of this it seems, Anderson Cooper has made the decision to make his sexuality public as well. Now I understand how this is helpful. De-stigmatizing and all that. I also understand that there are people in the world who decry this "lifestyle". The problem I have is,  what is the big deal?

When i was 8 or 9 or somewhere in that range, my dad was doing a play at the Civic and somehow the world of homosexuality was introduced to me. And it wasnt a big deal. I think one of the female actors was a lesbian, and somehow it got brought up and it was all very casual. Now dont get me wrong, it kind of blew my tiny mind. Woman liked WOMEN? Men liked MEN? And they were in relationships. Mind Blown! But because I had open hearted and open minded parents, it wasn't a big deal. Just another fact in a long line of facts you collect and move on with as a child. 

The whole concept didnt stay at the forefront of my radar. I recall there being guys in HS i was pretty sure WERE, but no one really talked about it. I dont recall there being much negative speak either, but i also might have been oblivious.

Sometime around my high school years, I found out my cousin in CA was gay. And a few years later he wasn't any more and was married, with kids. This is when I first was introduced to the power of the church and their ability in the right sects to take a perfectly fine human being and shame them into being someone they aren't.

Homosexuality is one of those things that simply never crossed my mind, unless I needed to defend it. When Steve and I had our first house in the burbs occasionally someone would say something mildly racist or homophobic (mildly? sigh, but you get my drift). Offensive, but not, HATEFUL. And it would infuriate me. And eventually they learned you cant say things like that around me.

I dont recall the conversation coming up with my kids, I've simply tried to raise them in a household of love that accepts all people (except mean people. and possibly Republicans - i kid.  . .). When Taylor was in 7th grade her boyfriend at the time invited her to the Aids Task Force Ball. Which I thought was adorable. One of her Bf's moms called me and very gently tried to explain what the Aids Task Force  was and what the event was. I calmly and gently told her my parents had been involved with the ATF since its inception and that I didnt have a problem with Taylor attending the event. I remember talking to Taylor about who would be there and about same sex couples and I believe she rolled her eyes in a big "duh" moment and that was the end of that.

Our culture, has been pretty open about gay characters in the last 15 or so years.  Will and Grace being one of the first I recall. Im sitting here trying to think of another show, another character, and I know they are out there. But i'm not coming up with anything. To me, its so woven into the fabric of our society, I hardly take note.

So when I saw the article, "Anderson Cooper is Gay", the first thing I thought was, who cares? Because really, why should I care? And then I have to remember, I should care. I should care that he is being open about it. Because its the being OUT THERE, that will hopefully over time de-stigmatize the whole thing.  Where once upon a time it was SHOCKING to have a gay character on TV, now there are just gay characters on tv. And once upon a time it was SHOCKING (and possibly career killing) for an actor to come, out, now its like "well duh".  But really, cant we just have characters on tv and actors who play them? Well no, because . . .

 . . of that segment of the population, who are so filled with fear and hate.  They are out there, sometimes lying low, sometimes shouting from the bell-tower about this SIN. This sinful behavior.(which i still cant figure out. is it the LOVING of another human? or where all the pieces fit in the bedroom, cause i'm pretty sure there is a whole lot of wacky that goes on in hetero relationships that arent in the bible either . . .)

I try to remember, that once upon a time (and i realize in some circles it still is) completely taboo for different races to procreate, to love one another.  If you were white and your partner was any other shade, you were SHAMED. It went against GOD and the CHURCH and society and well anything they could think of. I remember in the 70's it was SHOCKING to see an inter-racial couple on TV. But in most circles, even religious ones, its now ok . . you would think at least THOSE people would be more open minded. But sometimes even they are not . . how quickly we forget what oppression feels like?


So maybe it is very important for people like Anderson Cooper, to come out when they feel its appropriate for them. Maybe the cliched ONE PERSON will see that and go, huh . . maybe this isnt something that will collapse civilization as we know it.

I only hope that one day, its no longer an issue. Really, who cares?