being.

you know how you read those corny motivational sayings and you think "man, what a bunch of crap" and then one day a situation comes across your life and you think "danm, that cat hanging upside down on the branch was freaking right!" Yeah, i had one of those recently. i was thinking about when people say 'well, the heart is a resilient muscle, and you cant quit working it . ." and i mean, really what a dumb thing to say. but when you consider loss and pain and how it really does, feel as though your heart is physically being ripped from your body, when you are grieving you think "how will i EVER recover from this". Yeah, thats still pretty fresh for me. a lot of people dont actually know, that chris and i have split. I didnt make a grand pronouncement. i was dealt the blow. i spent 30 days inside a bottle, 30 days almost completely prone on my couch anytime the kids werent there and emotionally hemorrhaged. 5 years of life, 5 years of raising kids together. 5 years of road trips and more projects than you can imagine, 5 years of late nights, good beer, endless conversations and 2 people who lived 1000 mph all day, every day. ended on the note of "i dont know how to break up with someone i am still in love with, who i respect and admire and love and adore, but i am". And ignoring the hours and hours of trying to understand why, thats what it came down to. It wasnt working.

And i still feel so much grief. For my kids. for my life. for us because you've never met two people so stunningly well suited to each other. i miss the two boys i spent 5 years helping raise.  . . . but, this is life as we know it. and life is filled with loss.  people come into your life, and people leave and all you can really do with that is to get the lessons. And i do get the lessons. i know what i got from that 5 years. i also know what i'm taking with me, what i'm shedding, and what i hope i can bring to the table in my next relationship, that will allow me to be an even better partner in life.

chris taught me about being kind. about how a smile to a stranger can change a day. he taught me it was ok to be soft. that approaching a situation with kindness is almost always better than approaching it from any other direction. he mellowed me and softened me. and taught me how to properly run a chain saw. 

i know what lessons I didnt get. and what I still have to work on. and the whole time i spent laying on my couch, trying to breathe, i knew, that i would be ok. i've suffered loss. its just a matter of allowing time to do its thing, making it better day by day.  and it gets better.

and the heart IS an amazing muscle, because if you let it, it can still feel and beat and hold the capacity to care for others regardless of how many times its been bruised. i left that relationship with my eyes and heart open. instead of closed and jaded as i have so many times before. maybe it was knowing chris was sending me off on my own, with love and respect, as opposed to humiliation and anger as so many of my friends get left to deal with the rest of their lives. and while i have no plans to look for something or someone to fill the void and place of chris and that life i was leading, i'm keeping my heart open to meeting new people who bring something to the table. in whatever capacity that may be. and its interesting how the universe says "here. check this. this is something you need to look at and learn from." and I think i almost always do.

i'm not sure exactly where i wanted to go with this post. but i'm kind of amazed that 3 months and 11 days after what felt like the worst day of my life, i feel this positive about the rest of it. yes, i miss my family. yes, i miss my best friend. every day. but im also very much enjoying my life right now and all the fun and sad and hard and delightful things that go with it. and all the people i'm meeting along the way.

authenticating.

ive found it almost impossible to tap into my creative side these last 3 months.

2011 was a year of uncovering and uncloaking and digging deep to find some authentic to my world. to slow down. focus on some things that brought me true pleasure. i was working through the Mandala on the soul journey program and was amazed at what gifts that brought. when i look at a few pieces of writing and some photography from that time i can see it. i felt like a balloon being filled up with lightness, that I hadnt felt in a long time.

then the shotgun blast and i'm trying really hard to fill that ballon back up.  to not let the circumstances and decisions keep me filled with lead on the ground.

its hard. its hard to sit and be in my own company. i havent picked up my camera. and i need to. i realize now my pleasure in taking pictures was closely tied to his pride in me. i also realize it was a way for me to be seen. because i had started to be very invisible. and trying to be visible can be exhausting. trying to prove your worth on a daily basis, to someone else, is soul crushing work.  its hard when you realize, that your value to the person you are sharing your life with, is gone. but if you keep spinning, you can kind of blur the frame and ignore it.

and i need to be still. i just have no clue how to do that. i hum with energy not being tapped. i feel frenetic. and i want it to all be better. now. not later. now. i want to move on and be healthy and strong and whole.

im tired of looking for the lesson, the silver lining. i just want to BE.

 i want to write about something happy. like love stories and romance and pretty things.
flowers and sunshine. not lighting and bricks.

and i wonder if im even marginally capable.

crashing.

**this is from my accident in Jan . . . .***

you know i'm rattled when i dont take a picture and post to facebook.

so, i got in this wreck today. and it sucked. i learned some things tho, about myself. a). im not sure i wreck well and i really thought i would. i saw that the suv was not stopping, i double checked my light, and i hit the brakes and for all intents and purposes, i closed my eyes and yelled FUCK. In reality, this may not be the case, but in my memory, until my tire hit that curb, thats all i got.
b). i'm one calm ass mother fucker. i do not like people to see me cry. i wanted to cry. that was scary! but that bull head side kicked in HARD. the cops kept asking me questions and what i really wanted to say was "my fucking bell just got rung man, give me a minute, and maybe a cocktail?"  But i gave them my license, called my agent. handled it.

I"m thankful for the people on site. the witness to the woman who hit me, who ran the light. the woman from the church who helped me focus so i could grab my dog food out of my truck.

despite, being very calm and "i got it" y.  i resented very much having no one to call. to say "hey, i got in a wreck, and i'm ok" and have the other person be ever so thankful. yes, i have lots of friends who are glad i wasnt hurt. yes, my ex husband was very supportive, as were all my friends. but the aloneness of that moment.... that stung.

there has to be a lesson in getting dumped, and wrecked in a two week time period.
that. im still trying to figure.

Cooking. (with Chicken)

so i bought a whole chicken a few weeks ago. i debated heavily on the purchase. i usually will ONLY buy skinless, boneless chicken breasts. But at 7$ a package (all natural, free range, happy no steroid chickens), it wasnt being very economical. so they had this whole chicken from the same company sitting there for about the same price as the breasts, so, despite the fact it looked SO MUCH LIKE A CHICKEN! I bought it.

And it sat in my fridge.

eventually, i had to cook the bastard.

so one night after work when i felt too guilty to give my kids more pasta, i just dealt with the issue. Cut that sucker out of its plastic package rinsed it off and threw in in my stoneware baker. (yes, i removed that icky bag with unmentionables out of its neck).

I threw some onions, potatoes & carrots in the bottom of the baker. slathered on some butter. and poured a generous amount of cooking sherry over the sucker. cranked it up to 400, stuck my digital therm into it and let it cook.

about an hour (1.5?) it was done. I took the top off the baker in the last 25 min or so.

so that night we had the breast meat. it wasnt as flavorful as when i cook it in a skillet, but the boys liked it. the hormone free chickens are pretty small but it fed the three of us.

next was the hard part. getting the rest of the meat off of the bird. there really is only one word. disgusting. so i went to my happy disassociated place and picked it as clean as i could. i separated the white meat and the rest of it. The white meat that was left was my lunch the next day. the dark meat i put in a seperate bowl and saved it for "something else". I also put the drippings from the bottom of the pan in there, thinking the sherry would continue to season the meat, which it did.

so yesterday i decide to cook up some soup. and it was fab. and here is the recipe.

saute two onions in a little olive oil until translucent
press 3 cloves of garlic. dont burn
1 container (box) of vegetable broth
3-4 carrots sliced
2 potatoes, diced small
add in left over chicken (1.5 cups?)
i added some left over coconut milk
a generous amount of curry
a couple shakes of cumin
a large dash of cinnamon
a little tumeric
a bit of parsley
i actually did add a little salt

let it simmer.
its delish and it took me maybe 10-15 min to throw it all together.

In the wind.

back in the day, on payday Steve would stop at Wooden Nickel on his way home from work and pick up some new album. This was in the olden days when a new album would drop, eventually it might get some airplay and sometime in the future, everyone was talking about it. Or not. He came home with some killer stuff. Mazzy Star, Eddie Brickel, both way before they hit air play. Primus, Testment, Mother love bone. I have a list a mile long, but as I was walking tonight one of my favorites came back to me. TSOL. I fell in love with the Strange Love album in 1990. I was 20 years old, coming out of my rebelous youth, feeling tired and worn out. I was planning my wedding, buying my first house, and wondering WTF I was doing with my life. Aimless. Frustrated. Lost. But also hopeful.

i didnt know then that no matter how you picture it going, youre going to hit that rough road repeatedly. i had this vision that if i just settled down. got married. raised a family, that the anxiety would abate. that the screaming demon that told me to just throw all my shit in the car and drive, forever, would stop. and it did. mostly. sometimes.

i was 21 and 5 months when we finally moved into our first home. the home that sounded like it made sense. it was 3 years old. it was on a cul-de-sac. it was in a decent school district. and i'm standing in my walk in closet, looking out over the circle of yards, all perfectly green, mowed in their nice little lines and i'm standing there with my head against the window in my Danzig t-shirt and thought, fuck. really? how did this happen?

8 years and two kids later, i got my dream house. a nice 1400 square foot house back on the south side. where i felt comfortable. one more kid and three years later, its over.

road rash.

fast forward another 10. and thats about how fast it feel like, i've got a kid in college.  im still on the ss but with a little more SF. and there are moments when my skin doesnt feel like it fits. where i still want to throw all my shit in my car and just drive. not because i dont want to be HERE, in this role, but simply because I'm tired. and there is this kid with this nevous energy and anxiety and fear and energy and angst still living here. but the grown up that has spent the last 20 years taking care of husbands and kids and partners and jobs and pets and keeping shit together wont let her win.

so. i'm faced with my future. i had my future mapped. again. and recently i hit the pavement. so i'm reworking the plan. there are things about a new start that excite me. the endless possiblities. there is also the fear of the multitudes of ways i can be untrue to myself and fuck it up.  and there is the reality of my responsibilites that keep me from going too far one way or another.

and tonight, when i was walking, In the wind came back to me. as it often does in what feels to be my lonliest of times. It takes me back to that place of excitement and fear at the very beginning. of being on the cusp of the rest of my life, full of hope and dreams. but also knowing deep down, that my road was going to be a windey motherfucker.

i'd really just like to quit hitting pavement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuBzHEbt4ww

T.S.O.L - In the wind.

People think I'm crazy, I'm always on the run
That's the way I like it baby, I'm your seventh son
I don't want no promises, I'll take it to the end
See love is not forever, I know because I've been
In the wind

People think I'm crazy, I'm always on the run
If you take me halfway baby, I'm better off alone
I will never turn around, I'll take it to the end
The wind it is forever, I know because I've been
In the wind

Nothing's gonna stop me, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me, In the wind
I've got everything I need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me

If you want to ride with me, Close your eyes and dream
We can ride forever baby, the wind it calls your name
We will never turn around, we'll take it to the end
The wind it is forever, I know because I've been
In the wind


Nothing's gonna stop us, In the wind
No one's gonna catch us, In the wind
We got everything we need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch us

Take hold of my shoulder
Let me fell you in my arms
We can ride this wind forever
We can mend our broken hearts
In the wind

Nothing's gonna stop me, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me, In the wind
I've got everything I need, In the wind
No one's gonna catch me

Skin.

I had a dream last night, about a hug. something so simple, the act of hugging. i was out the other night, and a friend of mine, gave me a hug. not a girl hug, which are nice too, but a good ole guy hug. there is something about being held by a man that feels safe and good. its the best kind of hug when that man is your lover, your partner, your husband. your soulmate.
i miss skin. i miss my skin on his skin. i miss that feeling of snuggling up. of stretching out. of breathing in, feeling your hearts beat. my skin is sad. and alone. its misses the sensation of being up against another. in the safe place, the good place.

veggie food.

for amber. and anyone else who wants veggie recipes.

Veggie Goulash:
2-3 cans of tomatoes with garlic and oregano. (the italian blend)
a box of macaroni noodles
Morningstar farms Sausage crumbles (comes in a bag)
fresh garlic
onion


Saute onion, sausage crumbles and garlic until onions are translucent. Add in cans of tomatoes. throw in some cooked macaroni. Voila. tasty.

Veggie Burritos:
1 pkg. morningstar farms black bean patties
1 can green chilies
some jalapenos
onion
2-3 cloves of garlic
1 can enchilada sauce
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 pkg pepperjack cheese
1 pkg cheddar
tortilla shells

dice up black bean patties and saute with green chilies, jalapenos, onion and garlic.
Fill tortillas with shredded cheese and black bean mixture.

combine enchilada sauce and mushroom soup.

pour over top of wrapped burritos.
Bake covered for 40 minutes.
let stand a few minutes.